Just for grins

[Tillaway]

In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Stanley Bin Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he's bounced off five buildings.

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

While playing a poker game, if you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is -- it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I've come to realize it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There's a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for & why, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre & inexplicable. There's another theory which states this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come in sooner."

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!