A list of tools I use around my shop

[TJB]

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

DREMEL TOOL: A very useful tool for woodworkers, which allows you to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning projects that you have spent 4-6 weekends on into spare parts and firewood, and completely justifying pushing back the delivery time another two months.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching the flat piece of wood you were drilling out of your hands, so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink can across the room, splattering it against that just finished heirloom piece you were drying.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4 STUD: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.  Also used as replacement for screwdriver.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as patterns, plans, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing brand new blue jeans, but only while you are wearing them.

ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire,  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub when you are removing the bearing race out of it.  It works exceptionally well for setting grass on fire under cars.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar, that for a unknown reason has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves are used to prolong the time the intense welding heat stays on the palm of your hand.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare beginners into choosing another line of work.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs, lumber and plywood too short.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW


TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires from your body.

[Dan_Shade]

good one!

I think I like the hacksaw one the best :-)

[stonebroke]

I don't have enough paper for a list. ( I am a farmer, jack of all trades and master of very few)

Stonebroke

[ljmathias]

Loved it TJB; hey, maybe we should start a new thread called "Tools and their (mis)uses" since you've got a pretty good start on several different kinds for different purposes.  Here's a couple to add and modify:

Portable (battery powered) drill: replaces Phillips and flat-head screwdrivers and turns screws into rivets much faster and with less energy expenditure; requires enormous force applied to handle which causes bit to enter fingers deeply to liberate red-colored lubricant for screw heads.

Saws-all: electronic saw which quickly turns straight blades into works of bent and twisted art while causing significant modification to the surface of the object being cut.

Circular saw (also mistakenly called a "Skilsaw" generically): a device with a rapidly rotating saw blade that efficiently converts itself into a portable, non-powered tool when laid down near the cord.  Comes in different blade sizes so that binding-wood kick-backs can generate more surface damage with size of blade.  Also useful in supplying red-colored lubricant to wood objects being mangled.

Crescent or adjustable wrench: tool for finding just the right jaw separation to quickly and completely remove sharp edges from nuts and bolt heads.

I'll try to think of some more; let's all join in and make this fun for the New Year?

Lj

[woodmills1]

chisel- a manual device that when sharp can cleanly sever wood fibers and part flesh with ease.

oil filter wrench- a handy removal tool that turns into a fair welder when it contacts the main feed on the starter

[TJB]

Howdy Lj, glad you enjoyed it. I dont remember where I first ran across it, but I changed it around a little to match some tools I have. TJ

[LeeB]

I always considered myself to be like a cresent wrench. I fit anywhere and will slip off on you in a heart beat when the work gets tough.  :D

[ljmathias]

thanks, woodmills- the chisel part is exactly right.  We had a TF workshop down here a while back and I had sharpened up the chisel I was using pretty good.  Stood up from a joint I was working on and let it swing free in my hand a little- cut a nice chunk of flesh out with no more pressure then it's own momentum.

My working definition for a TF chisel is a really sharp tool that makes the rough shape that is just a little too big or too small to fit right so you use it some more to really screw up the size and have to throw the piece away and start over...

Lj