iDRY Vacuum Kilns

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Started by Bob Smalser, October 04, 2010, 12:10:48 PM

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Bob Smalser

I wrote these for a boatbuilding group as a teaching tool with a bit of humor, albeit sometimes at others' expense.  You may have some to add.  

Boatbuilding Voodoo Hall of Fame
One-liners taken from boatbuilder's on-line forums.

1)  Old-growth, high-ring-count softwoods are much stronger than modern, plantation-grown softwoods.  (Those strength tables used for comparison in the 1940 edition of the USDA Wood Handbook are really a work of fiction.)

2)  Boat wood quality is directly proportional to trouble and expense.  (The best woods come from illegally-logged, environmentally-threatened species 8000 miles away.)  

Port Townsend Corollary:  That you can't walk to your car in the morning without being showered with needles from woods of equal properties doesn't apply.

Lake Union Corollary:  That local arborists haul more good boat wood to landfills weekly than Olson has in his lumberyard also isn't relevant.

3)   The larger and more symmetrical the tree, the greater its value.  Hence residential yard trees are great sources of free lumber. (All those knots and nails merely make milling it more exciting. Not to mention the thrill of falling it in tight quarters.)

4)  Girdling trees is a great method to dry the wood quickly.   (Unless it's the part of the tree not directly connected to the leaves you're interested in.  Like the heartwood.)

5)  Girdling trees is a great method to dry the wood quickly.  (Especially if your other hobby is entomology.)

6)  Douglas Fir kilned down to 19% moisture content for structural use (from 30% on the stump) is ruined forever by the heat.  But Honduras Mahogany kilned for furniture to 7% (from 60%) is wonderful boatbuilding wood.

7)  To produce the driest wood off the saw, trees should be harvested in winter.  (That's why those 70,000lb-limit log trucks carry more board feet in January than they do in July.  Or do they?)

Ned Ludd's Corollary: Wood reclaimed from the Mount Saint Helens blast rotted quickly in service because it was blown down during "high-sap season" in May.  (That it was the subspecies having lower rot resistance, was exposed to boiling heat, and then lay on the ground for up to ten years before logging crews could reach it had nothing to do with it.)

8)  Carvel planking is a poor choice for trailer boats.  (Because the North American Association of Plywood Vendors and their subsidiary Ply-Boat-Plans Dot Com say so.)

Goo Brother's Corollary:  Better wedge-seam and glass that new Whitehall before it sinks.

Hyannis Port Corollary:  Carvel planking is a disastrous choice for dry-sailed sailboats.  (We should burn all those carvel-planked, centerboard Havens, Goellers, Marsh Cats, Flatfish, Biscayne Bays, Melonseeds, Whaleboats, Sneakboxes and Sharpies to recover their fasteners.)

9)  Port Orford Cedar is the ideal planking wood.  (That its weight and stability are more akin to heavy Douglas Fir than light Northern White Cedar make it perfect for your small boats and canoes.)

10)  Alaska Yellow Cedar is too unstable for use as planking.  (Those thousands of salmon trollers and US Navy minesweepers, gigs, cutters, whaleboats, barges, torpedo chasers and lifeboats were all planked with a mystery wood masquerading as Yellow Cedar.)

11)  Western Larch is suitable only for firewood.  (Unless you are in Idaho, Montana, or British Columbia, where the tree grows in forests instead of just back yards.)

12)  Tulip (Yellow) Poplar is a rot-resistant planking wood.   (Especially if your business is selling Yellow Poplar boats.)

13)  Tulip (Yellow) Poplar is a rot-resistant planking wood.   (Just don't omit that hot epoxy saturation step.)

Maritime Province Corollary:  Red Oak provides 20 years' service up here in the cold, why aren't you guys further south using it?

14)  Modern "marine" paints cost more because they contain special stuff other exterior paints don't, like retarders that extend brushing time.  (That the claimant was fighting the runs trying to paint in 40-degree weather had nothing to do with it.)

Classic Plastic Corollary:  What did the original paint on all those classic boats look like?  What brands of polyurethane and epoxy did Captain Nat and the Skipper favor?

15)  Linseed oil is a great moisture barrier coating.   (Idle boredom was probably the reason man spent thousands of years adding fillers, proteins, driers, pigments and hardeners trying to improve it.)

16)  Because lead has a higher nobility than zinc on the galvanic charts, using red lead primer in the bilge causes galvanic deterioration of the wood.  (Right.  Just like you can make a bomb using table salt because it contains all that explosive sodium.)

17)  Lie Nielsen and Veritas block planes are a significant improvement over vintage high-end block planes.  (Especially if sharp and flat aren't in your skill set.)

Maine Mafia Corollary:  If it was made in Maine, the more you paid for it, the more it's the "best evah".

18)  If there was a glue on the market that had a failure rate as high as epoxy, it wouldn't be on the market for long because nobody would buy it.  (Don't think about this one too hard or you'll get a headache.)

19)  The best outboard ever is a vintage Seagull.  (You too can be part of the puzzle of why the same folks who would stop their car to pick up their windblown gum wrapper, have no qualms about leaving an oil slick in the sensitive estuary their marina is built atop of.)

20)  Three tradesmen standing around the fire barrel swapping lies trump a hundred+ Forest Product Lab scientists spanning four generations.  

Martha's Vineyard Corollary:  Three yachtsmen swapping lies over drinks at the bar also trump a hundred+ Forest Product Lab scientists spanning four generations.
Bob

scgargoyle

As a one-time boat builder, I can relate! Great stuff! :D :D :D
I hope my ship comes in before the dock rots!

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