Dealing with death of my child

[doug blotz]

I've never tried posting here before but my daughter and her unborn child passed unexpectedly this week and I'm having a very rough time. I can't seem to talk about it to anyone because I break down and just cry to hard to talk. I can't go anywhere or see anyone. She was 34 years old and her baby was due in around 4 months. I'm kind of old school when it comes to dealing with emotions and when something gets me down I usually grab a saw, head for the hills, and work it out literally. But I have no desire to do that and won't go anywhere because I can't stop crying. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? Thanks,
                                                     Doug B.

[WLC]

I can't even begin to imagine your pain.  All I can say is you have my condolences and prayers.

[LeeB]

Doug,
I have no experience with your loss and cannot even begin to imagine the pain. All I can do is offer my heartfelt condolences. The forum is a generous and caring group and it is good that you have reached out for support. 

[mike_belben]

i am tremendously sorry to read of your incredible loss doug.  More than anything else i have ever prayed for is to die before my children because i dont think i could go on, i dont want to even think about their passing.  Im scared senseless of not being able to protect em forever.

 I dont know if youre in a relationship with the Lord, but im certain He wants one with you. He has a way of putting us on our knees when its time for Him to take the reigns.  If you feel Him knocking, please open the door.   Too many people turn to the bottle, needle or noose when the pain is unbearable but they never ever find the cure in it.  Dont give in to satans calling.  Cast your cares upon the Lord.

The brightest mourning song i ever heard was the funeral by hank williams.  Keep in mind times were a lot different in '52.  But youll get the message, be happy that you were blessed to know the joy of fatherhood and know that she's at peace, with no pain or suffering, and that she wants you to be happy. Imagine the depth of love youd never have known if not for becoming a dad.  My kids are little but they always try to cheer me up.  Remember her at 5 or 6 making you laugh and cry until you can smile about her again. There is no time limit.  

We'll be praying for you doug.

[doc henderson]

Doug. You are facing the toughest challenge of your life.  Your family needs you and I hope your friends are there for you.  There is nothing I can say to make you feel better at this time.  It will take time to heal some, and you may never get over this entirely.  You loved your child and your yet unborn grandchild.  None of us could do any better than you are doing now.  Hang in there as best you can.  God bless you and your family.  

[square1]

Doug, I cannot fathom the pain you are enduring. I am praying God comforts you and your family. Under his wing is the only imaginable place I can suggest you will find relief. God bless and keep you man.
sq1

[Logger RK]

I understand what your going through. I lost my 28 year old son a year & 9 months ago. You can pm me if you wish. I send my condolences 

[PA_Walnut]

Doug,
Having a daughter of my own, just the thought brings tears. :( 

So sorry for your loss. This poem from Gilbran brought me great comfort after my mom's passing.
Praying for peace and comfort to you and yours this holiday season. 

Then Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."
And he said:
You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?
For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance. 

[newoodguy78]

Doug, you are living my worst nightmare, no one should ever have to deal with that kind of pain. I have an old friend that unexpectedly lost a daughter two years ago to terrible circumstances. He's hands down the toughest man I've ever known mentally and physically. I saw it take that hardworking,woodcutting,mountain of a smiling man to an absolute blubbering crying mess sitting on a stump in the middle of the woods asking me why it happened. I didn't and never will think any less of him for it.

Don't be ashamed to cry, hopefully you have friends around you and let them in. Friends are what helped my friend get through it, his wife dealt with it through friends and church. Both good choices. 

After two years they still grieve daily yet they have carried on. No doubt it's a struggle for them but they have learned to cope with it. 

I send my condolences and best wishes to you through this rough stretch of road you're now traveling 

[Cedarman]

I don't have words to give you. Others have spoken more eloquently.  I do have another shoulder for you to lean on and a hand to hold as you travel down this hard , hard road.
Will pray that you can find the support to make it through each day. 

[Old Greenhorn]

Doug, you are going through the most horrible thing I could conceive of. My daughter is the same age and just the thought of something like that is more than I think I could bear. Although nothing like what you are going through, I have suffered some big personal losses in the past recent years that I have had difficulty dealing with and adjusting to. I certainly can't say what will help you beyond the good words I have read above. I can say that this is a very long process that you will have to work through, hopefully with the support of those around you. It will not happen quickly and each day is a challenge. You will never 'get over it'. This is now part of your life. But hopefully you will find a way to process it and hold all those loving thoughts dear to you. Despair is the thing that nearly broke me, I would feel weak to my knees at times for those first few weeks. That is when I needed friends and family the most, they helped me know that life, for me, would go on. I learned that for me, the best thing I could do was to take the memory of that loved one and all we had together and make that part of me, so that I could somehow carry on in this life for both that person, and myself. After a few years those memories that pop into my head now bring a warm smile instead of tears because the joy we shared is what I remember most and that seems to not fade one tiny bit.
 I don't know if any of these words provide comfort, probably not at this point because the pain is so very acute. But please try to wake up every day and fight the good fight. Do it because of your daughter and the Love you shared. She would certainly want this for you.
 I too like to 'work things off' when I feel crushed, alone and in the shop or woods, but sometimes that just isn't enough and you need to seek the help of friends, family, a cleric, or even a counselor. Don't discount these things. The first weeks are the very most challenging.
 I wish you peace, healing, and grace.
Warm Regards,
Tom

[thecfarm]

I would be the same way. Nothing a matter with showing emotions at this very bad time. Lean on on your family and friends. They are there for you. I am here too. This is some very sad news.

[florida]

Doug.
There are no words I can say that will ease your pain. All I can say is that I will be praying for you and your family for God to help you bear the unbearable. Crying is honest emotion, let it go.

[Chuck White]

Like others have said, I cannot imagine the pain you're going through!  Your post brings tears to my eyes too!  I see you as one who doesn't know which way to turn at this time!  You have lots of support here on the Forestry Forum!  I'll be thinking of you, and I send my condolences!

[47sawdust]

I lost my daughter,age 25,13 years ago.For a long time I felt that my shoes were filled with lead.I was fortunate to have a great wife ,family and friends who were there to prop me up.I couldn't imagine such a thing happening to me until I realized that I was only one of many who had lost a child.I was able to give support to others that shared my grief and in so doing have developed life long connections to these people.
You are going through the worst part now,it will get easier as time passes.I would urge you to keep trying to make connections to folks as you never know when you will be lifted up.Getting lost in work sounds familiar but it only took me so far.A trusted friend with a steady hand is invaluable.

I am terribly sorry for your loss.I send you hope and strength.
Mick

[Magicman]

Oh what a tragedy.  I have a horror of being in your situation and I can only offer my Sincere Condolences during this difficult time.   

[Southside]

Doug,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss you have suffered, I can not comprehend it. Know that the Forum is filled with genuine, kind, folks, and you are welcomed with open arms here. 
Jim

[TimGA]

Can not imagine the pain, have daughter same age. Know that we are standing by your side at this time. Praying for comfort for you and your family.

[WV Sawmiller]

   I doubt any of us here or anywhere can offer you true peace and comfort in this time of extreme grief. I certainly can't. I have a 38 y/o daughter who is pregnant and due the end of February and I am constantly worried something will happen but I have to trust she will continue to stay healthy. She loves children and works with sick and dying children every day at the Levine Children's Hospital in Charlotte.

   Don't be ashamed to cry, nobody will think less of you. I tried writing and suggesting several things to help you grieve and cope with her passing and realized I don't have the words for it. Please remember the good times and share them with friends and family. I always heard joy shared is doubled and grief shared is halved. You will remain in our thoughts and prayers and feel free to come back here any time.

[gspren]

First of all please accept my condolences. A good friend lost his young adult son this year and he took his wife to a support group for this thinking he was OK but his wife needed it and it ended up helping both of them.

[dgdrls]

So very sorry,  my sincere condolences with thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

D

[Roxie]

You have my sincere condolences.  

I had an employee that had her 21 year old son pass.  She was greatly comforted by a group called 'Compassionate Friends.'   Here is a link to their website which has a chapter locator so if you'd like, you could find local meetings.  

The Compassionate Friends Non-Profit Organization for Grief

[Jim_Rogers]

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Jim Rogers

[terrifictimbersllc]

My deepest sympathy. I can't imagine. Dennis

[lxskllr]

I don't have anything to offer but my condolences. A guy I know from one of our clients used to go all out for halloween. He'd plan it all in the preceding months, then take off work a couple days to put it together with his kids. It was his favorite thing in the world. I got out of the business for a few years, but came back, and when halloween was approaching, I asked him what he had planned. Nothing. Turns out his son died in a car wreck during the period I was away. It was very sad and uncomfortable that I had asked. He offered me his decorations, but I declined.

Not sure what the point is. I suppose if a point is to be derived, it's that things will get better after awhile, but will never be the same. The only thing to do is keep on keeping on, and I hope you find the strength to do so.

[samandothers]

As stated by others, there are no words to share that express the emotion, the sorrow, the grief. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[trapper]

Sorry for you.  My best friend died recently  and it sure took me down  and that is nothing compared to what you are experiencing.
Marv 

[Sixacresand]

Praying for you and your family.  

[sawguy21]

That is particularly tough this time of year, I cannot imagine a greater pain. Know that we are here for you and don't be afraid to drop in and talk, this support here was wonderful when I lost my wife.

[timberking]

 Doug, I have no magic words to soothe your pain but I think grieving is healing.  Not something you can get over but be able to deal with.  

[Bruno of NH]

Praying for you and your family.
My brother lost his only child a son .
He was only 23 and he had worked with me off and on.
I know what you are going through.
Bruno

[SawyerTed]

I have two precious adult daughters, I can't imagine the pain or struggle.

My wife included the poem below in the funeral for my mother-in-law who passed recently.  I'm pretty sure my daughters are enough like their mother and grandmother that they would not just want me to go on but would expect me to go on with life if I lose one of them.

Maybe this might help. God's comfort and peace be with you.



 

[hopm]

Will be prayerful of you and your family. Words will not sooth only God's touch can bring peace and the assurance of eternity. This will be my prayer for you.

[Jeff]

Ive lost parents, siblings, best friends, but i can not imagine the heartache of losing a child. Just know that the forum and its membership is here to help hold you up when you need us.

[goose63]

Doug

I am so sorry to hear this.


 My daughters birthday was yesterday I lost Mandy 12 years agao on Nvember 8 the day befor deer hunting season the last thing she said was see you in the morning dad we are going to get that buck I didn't hunt that year.

[Pine Ridge]

You will be in my prayers tonight.

[Gary_C]

I lost my 42 year old son a year ago this week and I can tell you there is no magic formula on how to get thru this difficult time. For me, I've had to be strong for my wife to lean on thru this difficult time. I've learned to just take one step forward at a time and just keep looking forward. Remember the good times you've had with your daughter and not dwell on the tragedy of the loss. Easy to say and write but it's the best remedy for your grief.

[IMERC]

This hurts to read about your loss...
Hearts to you Doug..

[mike_belben]

You still hangin in there Doug?  

[AMBoser]

Doug, The pain of this loss must be so incredible. I wish there was something, anything I could do to ease the suffering, and I know others here feel the same. Feel free to reach out anytime. Your feelings are welcome. 

[petefrom bearswamp]

Ted thats a beautiful poem.
I have no words of comfort only to say I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

[maple flats]

So very sorry to hear about your loss. My prayers go out for you and your family. I have 2 daughters and 2 sons, I can't even imagine the pain of losing one of them.
As others have said, cry, it can help heal. Remember the good times and maybe do some special project in her honor.

[doug blotz]

Brothers, thank you all for your responses. I'm hanging in there but still don't know which way is up. It helps knowing there is such a great group of guys to lean on during this tough time. I have not been able to read all of your responses yet as I get overwhelmed. I will get back to all of you when I can think straight. Again, thank you all. Hug your loved ones and have a wonderful Christmas.
                                                                      Sincerely, Doug B.

[newoodguy78]

Hang in there mister,it won't be easy but you can do it 

[sandhills]

I'm so saddened to read this, I have 3 daughters that I worry about everyday, Doug, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.  Jeff has put together a wonderful family here as well that you can lean on, I may not have the "cure" but never be afraid to pm me and just vent if it helps.  I just can't imagine but like everyone else has stated we're all here for you, stay strong. 

[doc henderson]

Amen!

[reride82]

Hello Doug,

That is terrible news, please accept my condolences. I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. My daughter is only 7 months old and I can't imagine losing her. I'm also in Butte, and if you need some time in the woods, you can join me anytime. Heal well sir, these things are best to be dealt with as a community. I'll send you my contact info if you want to talk, knock some trees down, run a saw for a while, make some lumber, or stare into a campfire for a while.

Levi

[Martha White Nelson]

This news saddens me deeply.  Please accept my most sincere condolences for the loss of your daughter and grand baby.  Lifting you and your family up in prayer. 

[Kitty]

So very, very sorry to hear of your losses. The very act of you asking for suggestions on how to deal with your loss is a step in healing. You are in my prayers. 

10 years ago Dave and I experienced the loss of my son's fiancé. They had been together 8 years, she was very special to us.  We grieved heavily and still do but with a lesser intensity. My son, to help with his grieving created a memorial dvd - set to her favorite music. On that video was pictures and videos they had made together over the course of their time together. He made copies to give to anyone who wanted one

Maybe you could do something like that or have someone do it for you.  It helps to go back just to see that smiling face again. It has helped us.

Many Blessings...

[Logger RK]

A friend of mine made me a video of me & my Sons Logging through the years,with Ted Nugent singing Fred Bear. He took pictures I had sent him & put it all together without me knowing about it. It was very nice of him to do that for me. 

[yukon cornelius]

i am so sorry to see this. I will be praying for you and your family. 

[boonesyard]

Doug,

I just saw this thread, and I can't, we can't imagine what you're going through. My daughter and grandbabies are our life, I can't even get my head around it. As so many have said here already, our thoughts and prayers are with you.