Things Grandpa Said...

Scotch and Sorrow · February 20, 2012, 03:38:36 PM

*I think this is the right place for this thread....*

Long time lurker, first time poster. Just thought this crew would be the best in the world to contribute: "Things grandpa said", one-liners, funny terms, bar-humor, etc. I'll start 'er off, mostly from grandpa, but others I've heard over the years as well:

-You never know someone until you eat a bag of salt with them
-(And we're) Off like a herd of turtles
-Bend your elbow [Drinking]

-Ugly enough to scare a bulldog off a gut wagon
-She didn't have enough clothes on to wad a shotgun
-If she were any dumber, we'd have to water her
-I'm going to beat you like a rented mule
-So ugly she'd make the train take a dirt road
-Sliced so thin it only has one side
-Tougher than woodpecker lips

Warbird · February 20, 2012, 03:45:01 PM

-Yer gonna get moderated so fast it'll make yer head spin.

Okay, so it wasn't grandpa but it's still true.

Jeff · February 20, 2012, 03:46:06 PM

Welcome to the forum. One word of advice though, I needed to edit a couple entries in your list. Although this forum is frequented by guys that talk like that in real life, and believe me, I am no prude, we take pride in the fact that the Forestry Forum is a family site and fit for anyone to read from Grandad down to the tyke sitting on his knee.

Again, welcome, but watch it.

Roxie · February 20, 2012, 04:05:50 PM

My Granpa said, "you can't keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair."

doctorb · February 20, 2012, 06:19:37 PM

My Grandpa said:

"Son, you can't be 25 your whole life, but your wife can be!". :D 8)

He was a hoot.

paul case · February 20, 2012, 06:26:13 PM

You want what? People in hell want ice water!

You can wish in one hand and mess in the other and see which one fills up faster!

PC

Jeff · February 20, 2012, 06:28:31 PM

I didn't have a grampa, they all dies well before I was born. My parents were in their 40's when I came along. Closest thing I have to a Gramapa is Burlkraft, and you can't repeat his saying on here.

jander3 · February 20, 2012, 06:36:38 PM

Stupid should hurt!

Dan_Shade · February 20, 2012, 06:43:07 PM

stupid does hurt, but often it doesn't hurt where it should :-)

Autocar · February 20, 2012, 06:54:02 PM

I had a grandpa that lived with use in the summer, But he never said to much to me . And my grandpa on my dads side said even less ,not sure why but I knew better then to ask also ! :D

Mooseherder · February 20, 2012, 06:56:32 PM

Quote from: Dan_Shade on February 20, 2012, 06:43:07 PM
stupid does hurt, but often it doesn't hurt where it should :-)

:D :D

POSTON WIDEHEAD · February 20, 2012, 07:25:18 PM

If you can't race it or take it to bed, you don't need it
You plant a tater, you get a tater
You can't unsay a cruel word
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow
That's how the cow ate the cabbage
She has a butt like a forty dollar mule
He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn
She's about as useful as buttons on a dishrag
He runs just like a candle
She slapped him like a red-headed stepchild

You can catch more files with honey than with vinegar

He's steal the bridle off a nightmare
Dumber than a road lizard
He's nuttier than a squirrels stool
Good fences make good neighbors
She could eat an apple through a picket fence
He's tougher than a two dollar steak
He's as mad as a wet hen
Sober as a judge

That's as scarce as hen's teeth
That ain't worth the powder to blow it to hell
That's finer than frog's hair
"He's got molasses in his britches" - means you're lazy

And his favorite one.......I CAN'T FIX STUPID!

Jeff · February 20, 2012, 07:41:46 PM

That list looks remarkably identical to a southern saying webpage.

blackfoot griz · February 20, 2012, 07:44:14 PM

"He's not afraid of hard work...he'd lay down right next to it"

"He's so slow, that if he raced his pregnant wife, he'd come in third"

POSTON WIDEHEAD · February 20, 2012, 08:03:15 PM

Quote from: Jeff on February 20, 2012, 07:41:46 PM
That list looks remarkably identical to a southern saying webpage.

It is.....where do you think old sayings came from....OLD GRANDPA.

In fact, I had to DELETE a few of them......those would have got me thrown off the Forum! :D :D :D

Scotch and Sorrow · February 20, 2012, 09:44:11 PM

Forgot two more (that come from my dad):

-I had to line you up with a fence post to see if you were moving
-I get more work done before breakfast than you will all day

Peter Drouin · February 20, 2012, 09:46:08 PM

That guy is as crooked as a dogs tail

Riggs · February 20, 2012, 10:34:10 PM

"You gotta make hay when the sun shines"

"Get off the tractor and let me show you how to do that"

and my Grandpa's most famous line..."when's the last time you checked the oil in your truck?"

Faron · February 20, 2012, 11:19:08 PM

If he gets any lazier, we'll have to get a cat to breath for him!

We're going to have to drive stakes to see if he is moving.

You have the right to be wrong, same as I have the right to be right.

WildDog · February 21, 2012, 02:36:47 AM

There was one I wasn't fond off..... I had been up to no good playing with petrol and caught my Grandpa's compost heap alight and while he was searching for me I recall him saying "You've gotta be cruel to be kind" :(

another one "That baby has a head only a mother could love"

Anyway hi and welcome Scotch and Sorrow, btw looking at your avtar you were a very handsome baby.

CLL · February 21, 2012, 03:28:07 AM

You have to knock his hat off to see if he's moving.
He's tighter than the bark on a tree
If he gets any dumber they will have to appoint him a guardian
His elevator doesn't go to the top
Dumber than a rock
Jumpy as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

customsawyer · February 21, 2012, 03:59:28 AM

Don't squat with your spurs on.

thecfarm · February 21, 2012, 08:26:56 AM

Just like Jeff,my parents were in thier 40's when I came along.I kinda grew up with grand parents as parents. :D I never knew either Grand Father,but knew my Grand Mothers.