Explaining grass to God

[Raider Bill]

________________________________________
Thought you gardeners would enjoy this conversation between God and St. Francis.  It's pretty funny because it's so true.
   
GOD:   Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and  stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.   But, all see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:  It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites!  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and  went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:  Grass? But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other    plant that crops up in the lawn.
   
GOD:  The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites  happy.

ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD:  They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:  Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:  They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:  No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.  And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:  You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:  What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:  You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:  No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:  After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:  And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:  They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:  Enough!   I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you  scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:  'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.  It's a story about... 

GOD:  Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

[Dodgy Loner]

:D :D :D

That makes me feel a lot better about my lawn maintenance techniques. I've only cut my grass once this year (mostly because of the lack of rain), I don't bag my clippings, and I don't water or fertilize it. But I might just spray it to kill the lawn burweed that is preventing the wife and I from walking barefoot on the lawn ;).

[SwampDonkey]

Good story Bill, and I to wonder about some folks.  :

[Ernie]

Thanks Bill that has now been sent to all my family and friends who, in my opinion, get a bit too carried away with the importance of a "good" lawn.  I prefer things that are either nice to look at or, preferably, good to eat.

[Cedarman]

Me and God see eye to eye on our yard.  No fertilizer, no extra water, no weed killer (green is good of any shade)  , color is nice too,  leaves are ground up each spring to let the grass grow.  Mow only as needed.

[scgargoyle]

When I move to SC, I'm gonna have a 'farm lawn'. Whatever grows, I'll mow it once in a while to keep the missus happy. No fertilizer or weedkiller for me. I've already decided that I will only do yard maintenance from the seat of a tractor- no edgers, weed whackers, or blowers for me!

[SPIKER]

When I move to SC, I'm gonna have a 'farm lawn'. Whatever grows, I'll mow it once in a while to keep the missus happy. No fertilizer or weedkiller for me. I've already decided that I will only do yard maintenance from the seat of a tractor- no edgers, weed whackers, or blowers for me!

Sounds like my yard work ideas!  :D   I did weed eat around the city lot once and just prior to memorial day weekend BBQ at the farm got weed eating around the cabin only.   I mow maybe every other week out there to keep hay under knee high at most of it gets left year after year with some trails thru it...   when I mow I also mow around a lot of the wild flowers I've spread around so they bloom & re-seed...   I got  a NEW idiot city neighbor who yesterday & today cut down the 50~60' white pines that bordered her & front neighbors place.   30~40" base pines cut into 4' lengths and tossed into big dump truck & hauled off   ya she wanted to cut my cherry trees that are on the line & I said NO...   I'm keeping my eyes on her.   they already brush hogged into my scotch pines 20' on my side and I got after them for that.   caught them riding mule on my place tearing up the trails & told her to stay off or next visit will be form POPO for trespassing...   

Mark

Mark

[trapper]

Wife says if it were not for the weeds we would not have a lawn

[Randy88]

For me mowing lawn takes two hours a week, either get less lawn, a bigger mower or drive faster with one you've got.   Leaf raking is done with the same large mower at high speed and its called mulching and decay method, weeds are taken care of with same method, watering is done by god, fertilizing is done by wildlife who use it as a bathroom and raking or picking up grass is answered with "your kidding right" and lawn ornaments and decorative things are either shredded with mower or taken out with skid steer to save mower from damage later on while attempting to take out with said mower.   Garden can be enlarged to reduce lawn.   Lawn must have color, colors allowed are green, yellow, brown, gray, black or covered with white stuff in winter, any color will do just pick one or any combination will be allowed as well.   

Anybody selling products to enhance said lawn with be allowed 30 seconds to leave property before shooting starts, even less if they demonstrated said products without first receiving authorization, nothing is left off the grass to prevent it from being killed, park vehicles, whatever on it to enhance its life struggle to survive is perfectly acceptable, just don't leave ruts to slow said mower down during mowing, anything else is acceptable.    Dandy lions add color once weekly and color is good, yellow is an acceptable color stated above, weeds that are not allowed are thistles, they hurt the feet when barefooted anything else is ok.   

When selecting the new improved lawn seed variety look for the lowest survival rate with slowest growth potential and shortest height possible if they don't offer that variety look elsewhere and leave lawn bare until that variety is located.    If lawn grows too fast and requires mowing more than once a week invite anyone to come and play on it as often as they like to compact it as much as possible and stunt its growth as well, killing it off with this method is perfectly acceptable, kids are hard on lawns so kids are a good thing to have happen to the lawn as often as possible, toy dump trucks and dozers tear up the lawn and spreading sand from sandbox hurts the lawn, keep this kind of practice going as long as possible, buy more sand for the kid's sand box yearly, also buy toys big enough the mower can't drive over them but instead shove them aside as high speed mowing takes place, this keeps mowing time to two hours weekly and gives kids new toys to play with on a regular basis so they don't get bored with old ones and keeps stress on the lawn longer and as the kids get older this is more important to update toys that hurt the lawn.

Instill in the kids that lawns are to be used, abused and mistreated daily and mowing is a useless, boring, unending thing that has no known purpose in life, this will help later in life when they'll park their vehicles on the lawn instead of avoiding it and also keeps them from fertilizing it and doing other stupid things that will only cause you harm and work later on long after they leave home.    Teach them right from wrong like picking up leaves, watering, fertilizing, picking up lawn clippings, thatching, spraying, thickening the lawn are all bad and mulching, letting it turn brown, or any other color stated above is fine too, driving on it, parking things on it, landscaping every so often are all good things to do.   

[scottyblue]

________________________________________
Thought you gardeners would enjoy this conversation between God and St. Francis.  It's pretty funny because it's so true.
   
GOD:   Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and  stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.   But, all see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:  It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites!  They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and  went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:  Grass? But, it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other    plant that crops up in the lawn.
   
GOD:  The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.  That must make the Suburbanites  happy.

ST. FRANCIS:  Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD:  They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:  Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:  They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:  No, Sir, just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.  And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:  Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:  You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:  What nonsense.  At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:  You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:  No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:  After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:  And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:  They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:  Enough!   I don't want to think about this anymore.  St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you  scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:  'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.  It's a story about... 

GOD:  Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Behind all good humour is truth and there's a lot of truth to that :D
As a landscaper I do what the customer wants but my own lawn is a nice mixture of naturalized bulbs and clover.Hey,it's green that's all I care.And I can chew on the clover.