Care Givers thread

Old Greenhorn · January 22, 2024, 06:09:54 PM

I was going to post here asking for advice, but this issue was so upsetting to me I couldn't figure out how to find the words. Now that I am in the middle of it and have made some decisions, I just want to ask those experienced folks here if you think I am on the right course and made the right choice, but I am not through it yet.
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So backing up a bit, last week I got a call from a friend, let's say he a 'good acquaintance' but we are not terribly close. I met him about 10 years ago at a festival, he doesn't live far from me and obviously we had a mutual interest in the music and the artists. We also had common interests in other things and a lot of common friends, we kind of hit it off and would meet from time to time or I would drop by his place. He used to specialize in rebuilding very old homes which as we know are long term deals. He did Arlo Gutherie's house in MA and it took several years. They remain friends. This fellow is also in the Blues hall of Fame as a promoter/producer. We are similar ages, but he is older than I. I know he has been suffering from cancer and have dropped by a time or two in the last 6 months or so just to say 'hi' and chat a bit. I was not current with how his disease is progressing.
Anyway, that's the background. SO he called me last week and said he needed to replace the sliding glass door on his cabin and the contractor he called said it was too much work and refused the job. I could tell from his voice he is very sick. I told him I would come by and see what's up and I also reminded him this is not 'my thing' and I'm not very good at it but he just said "I'll pay cash, I have the door and what you need" I said "Gary I don't want your money, lets just see what will help you out with this, we'll figure it out".
So the next day I go by his place. As soon as I walked in the door, lots of things became clear. I first got whacked by that smell. Caregivers know it well, but it's been a while for me and it took me a little while to adjust. He is under home hospice care and a friend is also staying with him that I did not know, but a very nice gent. I looked at the door which is 5' from his bed. Yeah, needs replacing but there is no air ingress and the room is warm (about 75°), the house is warm, dry and safe. There is no 'hazard'. My friend is very anxious to get this done. I thought I had figured out what was going on here, but as I left I got a minute with his friend to confirm some things. He has 2 weeks to a month before it's over, 2 months at the outside. I told them all I would think of something and get back to them with a plan and what we could do.

So this has been keeping me up at night. We are not close friends and that has nothing to do with it. I want to help this guy out, but I am also not a door contractor or ANY contractor. Yes, I could do this with a helper on a nice day in May and it would be slow, but I'd get it done. Right now, it's January and the weather has been fairly cold. If something isn't perfect (BTW, The sill needs replacing too) I can't run this over a day and have an open 6'x6' hole in his wall overnight, that's criminal and irresponsible.
I asked my son if he could make a hole in his schedule, but he is overloaded. I did get another fella that is willing to cheerfully give me a day of his time at no cost but his schedule is tight too and he brings no tools or smarts to the job. But I ran into Bill today and was sharing this issue. Turns out he has a carpenter that works for him off and on, that I know and recently is pretty much full time working for Bill. This I didn't know. So it looks like he can work with me and get it done. I will take some of Gary's money to pay Bill's man. We are shooting for Friday when it may hit 40°. I went back to the house today and they were in the process of moving his bed out into the living room. So the bedroom will be empty while we are working, which is good. I also chatted some more with his friend and confirmed what I thought. The only reason we are doing this is because it is on Gary's mind and he talks about it regularly and wants to get it done before he goes. I get it. I have been through this with both my Mom and Pop. I get it. This is important to THEM and that is all that matters. I get it.

My question to all those that read this far is: Am I doing the right thing? Should I risk the chance of having problems and making a mess of cooling off the house to do this, or should I just keep him hanging and blaming it on the weather and other stuff until it's too late. The latter seems like a whimp way out and not fair to the patient, but at least his home will remain warm and tight. I think I made the right choice, and I am hoping that if we get this done fast and right it will give him some peace. On the other hand, he may latch onto something else that has to be done. (That's what my Mom did.) If I had confidence in my skills for this job, it would be a no-brainer. The only thing I know for sure is I can't walk away from a friend that asks for help even if I am the wrong guy for the job. Maybe you folks know of another choice or track I could have taken? It's not too late to adjust.

doc henderson · January 22, 2024, 06:28:13 PM

my wife's aunt Judy, asked me to cut down a dead standing oak, in her last week in hospice. It had been dead for 5 years or so. My son and I did it and later milled the logs and made some nice family treasures from it. This seems more a guy trying to get his stuff in order. I do not have an answer. Put off a while and he may go, and it could be something the family takes care of later when the weather is better. I assume he otherwise lives alone. The option of waiting till weather is better, is actually the option I would do if it were my house and door. So, it really makes the most sense.
I started making jewelry boxes with my barber Frank for his family. He passed and now there are 6 of them half done that I promised him I would finish. I will and may have other family acquaintances come and help. There is no wrong answer, if he can be at peace with it for the next bit of time. You know also, that end of life is hard to predict. You might try the logic that things might be better later in the year. If he responds with, "I just want to get it done before I die", then there you go.

Old Greenhorn · January 22, 2024, 07:07:33 PM

Yeah Doc, we are on the same line here. I actually did broach the 'logic argument' the first visit I was there and he really didn't want to hear it, so I moved on from there knowing what was going on, sort of, in his head.
Here is the funny thing, he doesn't own the place, he rents it. But he must have some sort of agreement (or argument) with his landlord about this door. On the other hand, he is in bad shape for money I've heard, so perhaps he is putting in the door on his own to cover his rent? Either way, it doesn't matter to me, I just want him to be at peace in his last days. The landlord bought the door and provided cash for the install is all I think I know. I confirmed that today with his friend. He just wants it done and 'we' are doing what we can to keep he happy and feeling at peace. As I said, I am OK with that and I get it. I just don't want to open a can of worms when I pull that door out.

beenthere · January 22, 2024, 08:29:05 PM

From what I can gather, I suggest you stall for time with the excuse you need some "preparation" so you don't end up with a gaping hole in the wall and have to cut corners to plug it back up. Keep the plan open and procrastinate. Visit and talk with this man about the plan. Possibly a good plan to whip it out in a day will come into focus, and go ahead and do it. But we all know how such jobs can suddenly go wrong (i.e. the rotten threshold is one such thing mentioned and may not be easy to fix).

Do what you feel works for you best, but the ice is thin at best.

Thinking more about it, it is the landlord's property that you would have to fix up. May suffice for the tenant, but not be okay to the owner. May not be the right unit purchased by the owner, and need an exchange (leaving a hole in the wall). Too may things could go wrong, and if they can, likely they will.

Ianab · January 23, 2024, 12:19:28 AM

Quote from: beenthere on January 22, 2024, 08:29:05 PMToo may things could go wrong, and if they can, likely they wi

Tough question for sure.

Basically he "want's it done", but it's not essential to his physical safety or comfort? On the down side if you start the
job and it turns into a cluster, then YOU have a problem. Because it's Winter and he doesn't have a door. Possibly why his contractor turned down the job?

Personally I'd be inclined to stall.

customsawyer · January 23, 2024, 06:20:09 AM

I have never seen one of these "easy" jobs go the way I thought they would. You could get into it and find rotten joist, or something else, that turns this into a big job. I would bet that contractor saw something and that is why he turned it down. He might know that there is no way he can get it done right in just one day.

dougtrr2 · January 23, 2024, 08:04:57 AM

I would stall. I understand caring about a dying man and that is tough. BUT, it is a rental house. If things go south, the landlord will have no problem coming after you, in spite of your good intentions. If the door needed immediate replacement due to air leaks etc, it might be a different story. Also, they have moved his bed out of that room. Now that the door is out of his sight, it may go out of his mind. Best course in my mind is to stall.

Doug in SW IA

GAB · January 23, 2024, 08:47:18 AM

Tom:
Based on what you and others have said I would recommend that you have a long chat with the building owner before doing anything.
Second I would suggest you and Bill's carpenter friend take a good look and study the situation as best as can be done prior to starting anything. Bring a long awl and do some poking of the surroundings of the current door and frame. If there is a deck by that door that is attached to the building run away from the job because the probability that all wood that the deck is fastened to is all bad is very high. Nailing a two by to the house is quick and cheaper but it traps water and accelerates the rotting of the wood associated with the new deck.
If after speaking with the owner and geting permission in writing and decide to do it I would be packing more tools than I think I will need, some wood for replacing current pieces as needed, and some great stuff.
For some reason I see the potential for a big time lawsuit. Be careful.
GAB

Old Greenhorn · January 23, 2024, 09:15:52 AM

Well there is no debate that delay is the 'safe' choice and believe me, this is what I would really like to do. Which one of you folks wants to volunteer to go and look in his eyes and tell him that? Basically I would be telling him that I will 'do it after he's dead'. That does not satisfy his goal. Dying people do not always think rationally, especially those on constant morphine for pain. It's not about the dang door, it's about what he wants to see before he goes. This fella is most likely not going to live until April, let alone March.

From the little I gather, the guy that walked away just wanted more money than my friend could pay, not that he couldn't do it. As far as what the landlord thinks, I really don't care. What kind of a person dumps this problem onto a terminally ill patient?

Yeah, I fully know what the odds are on this thing going smoothly.... just about nil. But I just feel that I have to do right by the guy or I won't be able to look myself in the eye. If we have to fudge a little, so be it, but I just can't lie to him.

red · January 23, 2024, 09:31:15 AM

You are not lying saying no one replaces a sliding door in January this is a job for the spring time

doc henderson · January 23, 2024, 10:48:05 AM

If it is a rental, then the payment should be direct from the landlord. something is fishy or at least not proper in your friend's mind. take care, and I do understand feeling the need to satisfy your acquaintance.

beenthere · January 23, 2024, 10:56:54 AM

OGH
You've heard good advice. Up to you how you handle it, but being "matter of fact" with your friend is what he also needs to hear.
Talk with him about how he would like to plan what steps to take to put in the new door. Drag him into the conversation and leave him with things to ponder about the next steps. Get him involved to the extent possible with his state of mind and health, and say you will discuss it further when you return.
Up to you. Good luck.

JJ · January 23, 2024, 11:12:08 AM

My dad was in home hospice, and decided his computer was not reliable enough was having issues with startup, so made me in charge of getting him a new laptop to replace the desktop.

He wanted this so his wife could keep track of the accounts and auto billing he had setup.. So I take his cc to Staples and buy a nice dell laptop, clean up his old hard drive and backed it up, and transferred everything to the new laptop, confirmed all of the accounts and passwords, and set it up as one-click login to each account.

-He never used his new computer, and all of the accounts were locked and frozen once he passed so there was no auto pay anymore. His widow went back to paper billing and writing monthly checks, don't think she uses the computer for anything other than very occasional email since she sends and receives cards by mail instead.

It was important to my dad however and I was happy to ease his mind about it even though it was a bit of a waste.

JJ

doc henderson · January 23, 2024, 12:16:14 PM

both my parents were diagnosed with cancer within a month of each other. My Dad passed first and Mom within a year. I had always been on my parents checking account, but after she passed, I could not access any funds. Knowing about the cancer got us to sit and make plans. Mom always did the big stuff like taxes, bills and insurance. We talked about guns and tools and stuff that Dad wanted a say in. It was discussed leaving my middle brother out of all of it, and my youngest brother and I stated we did not want something that could never be changed after they were gone. After my Dad passed, and in the process of getting his stuff taken care of, my mom started getting everything in order. She got a will and an attorney. My bother wanted to be coexecutors, and I said one or the other. It was me, and Bruce could attend meetings. He was always late and wanted everything started over when he got there. He spoke over me when I was talking, so not good but I was the only signature needed to get things done. We (my wife and I) had helped my parents with things like new garage doors and insulation in the attic, and a new desktop computer for email and pictures. We gave 9K towards a newer car, and Bruce gave them 1K and got their old car. Mom kept track and we were reimbursed after she passed. It took a year to sell their house. in a small town with sand streets, Bison, Ks. Only one couple looked at it and they bought it. All the bills paid, and we each got about 20 k in a decedents IRA, and I get an annual check at the end of the year. A Christmas gift from my parents for the past 16 years. It all worked out! My middle brother is a long story not worth telling, but let's just say, he is the only one of us to get poked in the mouth by my dad.

Wlmedley · January 23, 2024, 03:17:04 PM

Tom,this may not be any help but I have similar problems with my wife who has had two major strokes and according to her neurologist has lost around one third of her brain.She constantly thinks of things she thinks need done and can't be convinced otherwise. I keep everything up here in pretty good shape because I never know when my health may take a turn for the worst.Usually in a couple days she will forget about it and go on to something else.If it's something small I'll usually just go ahead and do it but I really don't have time to do unnecessary stuff being I have to take care of her and everything else.Sounds like a new door on a rented house is mostly something for him to think about to get his mind off his illness.Once it's completed he will probably think of something else.You have got a good heart Tom ,good luck.

Ron Scott · January 23, 2024, 06:53:00 PM

Though it's hard when you want to help, some good advice has been given for an usure outcome that may be worse than the current situation.

Old Greenhorn · January 29, 2024, 07:35:26 AM

Well, the forum was down for the days I worked through this issue, but I wanted to follow up and thank everybody for the sound thoughts and I am glad I asked the question. I was torn between the two choices and felt as if I would be abandoning him if I did not do the door at this time. I never walk away from somebody in need and I wasn't going to start now. But I also needed somebody to point out that I was not abandoning him, just doing what was best for him.
So I went back and sat down with him and had a heart to heart. I told him I was really stressed that something would go wrong and we would have a mess when he could least tolerate it. I made it clear I wanted to do right by him, but I didn't think this was the right thing to do just now. Amazingly to me, he thought about it and said that 'yes, I was right and we shouldn't do it now. Don't worry about it.' Then I sat and we just chatted for a while and I even got him to laugh once which is no small feat, he is in constant pain.
I have decided rather than do his door now, the better thing I can do for him is just go by every couple of days and spend some time with him. It will give his caregivers a little break to get some air, or go to the store, and also break up his day a bit.
SO that's where it sits and I wanted to follow up. Thank you all for helping me see the light.