Thanksgiving deer - nope, no pictures

[WV Sawmiller]

                Well, after my chipmunk attack a few years ago my shooting house still smells a little smokey and funky so I decided to hunt out of a climbing stand on the back side of my property. I blame Thanksgiving dinner for most of the problems I will describe below.

              We ate Thanksgiving dinner with my son and his in-laws and the meal was good – too good. I am pretty sure I ate too much. To make it worse then I rushed home and changed clothes and jumped on my ATV and headed to my hunting spot. I stopped about ¼ mile from my stand and rushed in and climbed up a nice straight white oak to a height of about 30'. I got strapped in with my safety belt and checked out my surroundings. I had a great view and the weather was great except it was pretty cold and several degrees below freezing. Suddenly I heard a rumbling a checked for storm clouds. It looked clear but I heard the rumbling again and got a sick feeling when I realized the rumbling was me. I need to go to the bathroom but I know I am too high and it is going to take too long to get down. I have to come up with an emergency "evacuation" plan.

              At this height in a ratcheting, climbing, tree stand there isn't really much of an option but to either "soil" myself or hang over the front of my stand and let nature take her course. I am sure glad I did not wear my insulated coveralls but I did decide wear my quilted wool one piece Union Suit. You know – the one with the trap door. My wife found the pattern in one of her sewing books and as sort of a gag gift she made me one. It turned out they were great for cold weather outside use. (Maybe I should say "on the ground" cold weather, outside use.) She even put feet in it like a kids footed PJs but I found they were too tight to wear with my hunting boots so we had to cut them off.

              I quickly make sure my rifle is secure on a hook I drilled into the tree and my safety strap is tight so I drop trou and unbutton the flap. I keep hearing and feeling that rumbling so time is short - very short I grab my safety strap and hold tight and flex my knees. There is a sound like a long bed sheet ripping and I achieve an impressive distance of at least 20' from the base of my tree. I begin to wonder what the world record poo shoot distance is. I wonder if this could become an Olympic sport/event? ???

(When I get home I checked and I find there are records and find the only place there a pooing for distance contest is at Texas A&M. I forget the name of the lady who won. Up until she entered it was just the Fraternities with such contests. I understand it almost cost the lady her job but female Fine Arts Professors are hard to come by and she already had tenure at A&M. But I digress...)

                Well, back in the tree I suddenly hear an answering sound to my butt grunt. I hear a loud grunt and see the bushes shaking in a laurel thicket about 85 yards away. I have long suspected it is bedding area for big bucks but it was too thick to make my way through it but now I have proof. A big, thick-necked 8 point comes out of the laurel grunting and pawing and looking for the upstart competitor he just heard. I freeze not wanting him to see me moving. I am also freezing my still exposed buns and begin to wonder if I am at risk for frostbite?

              The buck is getting closer and as he passes under a small white pine and is briefly out of sight I grab my rifle and get ready to shoot. As the buck comes in the clear and the wind shifts from me to the deer. He is now under my tree when the breeze hits him and he gets a whiff of what I have done. His eyes start to water and he starts to sneeze uncontrollably. I get him in my crosshairs and slowly relax and start to squeeze the trigger I suddenly realize in the process I have also accidently released sphincter muscles and as I pull the trigger and release a 150 grain softpoint round at the deer I also release a much heavier odiferous round in the other direction. Unfortunately, I don't have the head pressure for the distance needed again this time and this load goes straight down the trunk of my tree. Oh Crap! I've got to climb down over that.  Oh yeah – the deer. He dropped in his tracks but kicked a few times and since he is on a slope he rolls right into/through my first pile.

              With my deer down and my "business" finished I have to figure what I am going to use for TP. I look through my camo fanny pack for something to use. All I can find is a couple of field tags I had prepared. In WV landowners like me don't get new tags each year so we have to prepare our own with the basic info. I grab one and carefully center it on my middle finger over the target are and wipe. Oops – the paper was pretty old and my finger pops through. I take it back and gingerly pull one corner to pull the paper off the digit. It hangs and a piece of poo sticks to my finger. I try to shake it off but rap my knuckle smartly on my metal tree stand. Ouch That hurts and to make it worse I instinctively pop the injured pinky into my mouth. Bad mistake!   I yank it out and start gagging and puke all the contents out of my stomach. Yep, right down the tree again.

              I finally quit dry heaving and pull up my britches and button up as best I can then I tie the heavy cord to my rifle and lower it down to the ground. Once it is safely lowered I unbuckle my safety strap and start to inchworm myself down the tree. Since the front side of my tree is truly fouled I work my stand around to the back side so the front spikes catch there and the holding loop is on the opposite, front side. The whole trip is pretty rank then about half way down I make another amazing discovery. Not only is poo and vomitus foul smelling – it is an excellent lubricant. Suddenly the bottom of my stand slips out from under me and I hit my chin on the climber portion then it slips and follows the bottom. I do this several times like an accordion till I reach the ground. Amazingly I am alive and have no broken bones. As I step out from between the stands the climber portion makes one more slip and raps me on the gourd. I see stars and have a knot on my head like a goose egg but I think I remain conscious. Things were a little fuzzy for a few minutes but that is to be expected.

              I pick up my rifle and put my camo fanny pack across my shoulders like a bandoleer for the trip home. I go over and check out the deer. It is a nice heavy buck but he is so coated with s__t I debate on whether to drag him home or if wouldn't be easier to shoot another one. I finally, reluctantly decide the only ethical thing to do is take him home so I hook my safety strap to his antlers and start dragging. He is too rank to field dress so I have to pull the whole weight back to my ATV. That goes without further problems and I get him loaded on the ATV and head back down the hill. It is a pretty hairy ride as the trail is very steep and rocky but I make it home and through the pasture.

              I decide the best thing to do is take the buck to the local car wash and pressure wash him good before I attempt to clean him so I drive the 6+ miles to town and wash the deer the best I can. Since I am out I stop at the local bait and tackle/game checking station to check him in. When I get there a crowd comes out to see what I have shot but quickly back off and several say "Wha'd you do? Gut shoot him or something?" The Game Warden happens to be there so I hand him my field tag and he gingerly hold it by one corner and says "What is this on the tag? Is that blood?" Nope! It ain't blood. Just give me the dang tag and let me go home.

              I drive back home and drop the buck at my cleaning station then go inside to drop off my rifle, get a shower and change clothes before I go clean the deer. Just my luck – as I walk in the house I hear the Colace jingle. You know, the one that says "Number two should be easy to do." If they only knew! :

[TroyC]

Quite a story, but, Hmmmmmm, no pictures?? :D

[thecfarm]

Sometimes some people have too much time on their hands.
Maybe it was a good thing you did not have any toilet paper. 
It would have got caught on your britches and someone would have shot you for a white tail deer. Then tried to tag ya.

[Old Greenhorn]

Pat McManus and Ed Zern please move to the rear of the stage and let Howard sit up front. :D

BTW, I don't know what you call "cold" but I note that on Thanksgiving day the temps were between 45 and 50° from before noon to long after dark. ??? ;D

[sawguy21]

 :D If nothing else it's a great story. Well done!!!

[SawyerTed]

McManus wrote about a character (based on a real person) called Rancid Crabtree - it would appear Mr Green has channeled Rancid's spirit.  

[moosehunter]

I don't know what to say. I laughed. But any response would be, well, ....

[WV Sawmiller]

cfarm,

   Actually you may have hit on an untapped market here with you comment about TP. What it brings to mind is an actual event I heard about while working a project up in Ohio. Apparently a lady was deer hunting and went to the bathroom and some city slicker with a deer rifle saw the flash of her white underwear and thought it was a deer and shot and killed her. (True story!)

   What we need to market, and these should be found in every sporting goods section of every department store, outfitters and other outdoor venues - Blaze Orange Underwear! Market them as a must have safety item for every hunter who hunts on or near public land where city slickers come to hunt. I bet they would sell and more importantly, they will save lives and prevent "serious" injury. We should offer them in boxers and briefs - speedos not needed as real men don't wear them hunting. 

   I thought about offering them in Camo Orange but for the limited exposure plain blaze orange should be all we need.

[thecfarm]

At least you did not say orange toilet paper.  ;D

[YellowHammer]

That was a pretty rough trip.  You might want to let that area rest a few days before you hunt it again....

[SawyerTed]

I have buddy who is notorious for "having to go" at inconvenient times and circumstances.  

Once I had to pull off the road into a church parking lot.  My buddy ran, as best a man can in that condition, into the woods.  He was gone a while.  

When he returned to the truck, his t-shirt had no sleeves.

Another time he came back without socks.  

[beenthere]

Have heard that some return with one Jersey glove missing. Better when there is snow, then no missing clothing.

[barbender]

 Howard, the problem with you is some of your tall tales are true, and it makes it really hard to seperate fact from fiction😊

 I think the McManus/Rancid Crabtree comparison is right on point🤣

 I have that buddy too, the one that is missing sleeves, shirt pockets, socks and gloves. I asked him one time, "why is it you have to go every time we get into the woods?!". He told me, "Hey! I like to go on a toilet as much as the next guy. But when I need to go, I need to go!"😂😂

[Magicman]

 

 Where to "go" when you are in the woods.  ;D

[SawyerTed]

Rancid was a first class fibricator.  Just saying...

[Chuck White]

Have heard that some return with one Jersey glove missing. Better when there is snow, then no missing clothing.

I think that is the same one where it was said "if you see a jersey glove, don't pick it up" or something very similar.  ;D 

[WV Sawmiller]

   Yes I have heard tales of outdoorsmen returning home missing selected articles of clothing. I have heard tales of people using leaves only to find it was poison ivy. There is a reason people talk about the "wrong" end of the stick. 

   I can see Lynn is well prepared but I do think he needs to use some camo paint on that woodland throne.

BB,

   There is always some threads of truth to any tales I print even if large parts are fiction. It is up to the reader to pick out which. In this case it might amaze you to find which parts are actually true. Any Aggie fans out there? ;)

[Peter Drouin]

WV Sawmiller, You had me rolling on that one. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Next time rip off the flap and use that. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Nebraska]

There's one of the reasons why my climbing stand sits lonely in my shed. My hunting pack always has paper towels in the zip lock with my ob sleeves and gloves. Been caught up a tree before but have made it down..  we rarely have a tree I could get more than 20 ft up anyway.

That is the funniest post I have read on the forum...

[TroyC]

Yeah, climbing stands are for the younger guys. Howard, I think you and I are about the same age, I gave up climbers 15 years ago, went to ladders. Gave up ladders 3 years ago an now sit in a shed or hide behind trees. Always have paper in the pocket. Just don't forget to take it out when you wash your clothes.

[JD Guy]

Pat McManus and Ed Zern please move to the rear of the stage and let Howard sit up front. :D

BTW, I don't know what you call "cold" but I note that on Thanksgiving day the temps were between 45 and 50° from before noon to long after dark. ??? ;D

Now there's two names I haven't thought of for a very long time  8)

[trapper]

sounds like a lot of us read sports afield and field and stream when we were kids

[Old Greenhorn]

I had all of Pat's books that I know of, and I also found all of Ed's that I could find out about. I wish I had them now to re-read, but I bundled them all up and made a gift of them as a collection to a young cousin who was on the road to making films and writing and had a burning interest in such things. That was about a decade ago. I know he read them, I just wonder if he has recovered yet. :D ;D

[SawyerTed]

McManus wrote several murder-mystery-action type novels in addition to his humorous work.  

Last I checked they were available on Apple IBooks. 

[barbender]

 McManus forever changed the way I read a sentence with the way he made plays on words. You always had to be paying attention or you'd read most of a paragraph and all of the sudden he'd pull the rug out from you😂 

 I think what he did to my young mind directly contributes to the A-1 Dad joke abilities that I now have, that my children are so thankful for😁

[WV Sawmiller]

   I forget who wrote them but my favorites were the Harry and Charlie episodes in the BASS magazines I used to get back when I joined them for a while in the early/mid 70's. I think it was Harry who was always out to get his nemesis "Old Ironjaw" a monster Bass and they chased him forever in their beat up johnboat "Ol Stump jumper". The one time Harry caught and landed him in a tournament he had to release him because a "Hoss fly" had landed on his lure and live bait was not allowed. : Tom drove a delivery truck delivering peanuts and snacks and they always ate water packed "Viennies" and would have a conniption fit if somehow they got the gelatin packed ones by mistake.

The first such tale I heard was about was Dad reading to us "Old Shovelnose" in Boys Life when I was a pre-schooler. (Yes, they had a written language back then.) Old Shovelnose was a cantankerous old alligator. I think his snout was flattened when he was a baby by rednecks trying to crush him with a rock or such and he spent the rest of his life getting even (At least that is the way I tell it to my grandkids now.)

https://www.amazon.com/Shovel-gator-grabbers-Robert-Edmond/dp/B0007E9GZO

[Stephen1]

Great storey Howard. I would have laughed louder except I was eating my porridge!

[sawmilllawyer]

Great story Howard, I have not laughed that hard in a long time. I have found your stories to be entertaining but this one is where your abilities really shine. Enjoyed the read, be careful out there, danger lurks for us older guys.