A Forestry Forum snake hunting trip

[doc henderson]

OCH I have accused you of such.  I think Dr. Freud could make some contributions to the conversation and artistic interpretation.!!

[WV Sawmiller]

   Hey guys - give ne a break. You are all supposed to be able to use a little imagination. Lynn does but he sees his name in the local floriculture.

   I applied to the Juliard school of art and was immediately accepted. I told them I was glad to see they recognized true talent. The admissions officer said "No, we just recognized you had the greatest need for training."

[WV Sawmiller]

Maybe with input from another artist, Howard's artwork could be taken to the next level...?

One good point is the next level is not very hard to reach.

[barbender]

😂😂😂😂

[WV Sawmiller]

(The next chapter)

                "Ouch, ouch, Double ouch!" Tom screams as angry hornets start boiling out of the nest and stinging every exposed part of his body. "You guys come help me."

                Howard looks at Doc and asks if he has any suggestions.  Doc reaches into his back pack and pulls out his Potassium permanganate and a bottle of glycerin and drops a little on a Vasoline soaked cotton ball. Smoke starts rising and Poof we have flame.

                "That's pretty cool" says Howard but how is that going to keep Tom from getting eaten by the gator or stung to death by the hornets or falling out of the tree and breaking his neck?"

                "I'm not sure but in the BSA manual it says in times of stress and uncertainty it is always comforting to have a campfire." Says Doc.

                Tom screams "Hey you guys, I need some help here! Can you chase this mama gator away before these bees kill me."

                Doc replies "They are not bees. They are hornets. And the gator rarely stays away from her nest for over an hour or so although I guess this one can see her nest and may feel she can still protect it." Howard chimes in "Yeah from the shape of the nest and external appearance they look to be White-Faced hornets. They don't normally winter this far south and usually they are found in young hardwood trees instead of Cypresses. And my Grandpa used to hunt gators for a living and he said they can run up to 35 mph in pursuit of their prey."

                Tom yells back "I don't need a dang entomology lesson and I don't need a herpetology lecture on strange habits of American Alligators!" Tom decides if he is going to get help it is going to have to come from within so he looks at the hornet nest, which is hard see as his eyes are already swollen eyes from numerous stings to his face. Finally in desperation he reaches out with his unbooted foot and grasps the top of the hornet nest between his toes and kicks as hard as he can. Several angry insects sting him through a hole in his sock at the heel. But ... miracle of miracles, it works! The nest rips free from the limb it is attached to and the mama gator grabs it in mid-air as it falls toward her.

                All Heck breaks loose! The irate hornets now start stinging the mad mama gator in the tender interior roof of her mouth and tongue. She actually lets out an ear-splitting bellow and rushes back to the safety of the cool swamp water. Along the way she hacks up Tom's bedraggled boot and chunks of the paper nest. She splashes into the water and begins an open mouth death roll shedding dead and dying hornets in copious numbers. From their safe observation perch a hundred yards away Doc and Howard see her splashing off into the sawgrass.

                Doc yells out "Tom, you're a genius! You got rid of both the hornets and the gator at the same time!" Howard admits "That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. Well done. I can't wait to tell the guys back on the Forum about this. Wait, we forgot to take pictures. Lynn and Jeff will never believe us."

                Tom looks at the rapidly swelling bumps swelling all over his upper body then curses as he steps on an injured hornet which adds another painful sting to his bare foot and as he picks up his up-chucked but thoroughly mangled muck boot and says "I think I can provide plenty of proof. Between this boot and the bumps on my gourd I doubt even the Magic Man would doubt me. Besides I think I have better credibility than you two do anyway."

                Doc has Tom sit down on a leafy log while he daubs Betadine all over a large number of the deeper cuts and bends him over for a shot of Betadine Benadryl to help reduce the swelling. Howard asks "Is that stuff good for Poison oak?" Doc says the studies he has seen recently indicate it helps reduce the pain and swelling. Howard responds "Good because that is Poison oak where Tom just sat his bare butt after you just gave him his shot." Tom replies "Why doesn't somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery."

                Howard replies "Hey, that reminds me. I just saw where Robert is getting 2" groups with his new custom rifle and 165 grain soft points". Tom monas "why did I ever open my mouth!"

                Our trio pack up their catch and Tom struggles to get his mangled boot back on his foot knowing it will never be waterproof again but maybe it will provide some relief to his badly stung foot in the sawgrass and stinging nettles on the trail out. To add insult to injury Tom gets a final sting on his big toe from a lost hornet left inside the boot.

                They make it back to the swamp buggy and Howard suggest looking for another snake honey-hole. Tom's reply can't be repeated here so they opt to return to the B&B. Tom soaks in a bathtub full of baking soda while Howard and Doc fix a tasty supper.

                Howard checks the bags of snakes to make sure they are securely tied tight. Doc tells him dinner is ready but he says he thinks Tom fell asleep in the tub. Howard looks at the shelf over the ancient gas stove and spies an old fashioned box of kitchen matches and his eyes light up. "Hey, I've got an idea. This is a trick my dad used to play on us when we were walking around in tall grass and thick brush when I was kid."
 
            Howard grabs the box of matches and eases the door to the bathroom open just a crack. He sticks the box inside and shakes it vigorously and yells "Tom, your snake got loose". We may never know what Tom was dreaming but we have a good idea!. He jumps up out of the tub and slips on a bar of soap and falls backward striking the old cast iron tub with a resounding "Whack!" After that he lies motionless on the soap wet floor.

[Old Greenhorn]

Yessir Howard, you are spinning quite the yarn there, and I see to be taking quite a beating as a result, quite a beating indeed. As I don't recall signing any paperwork regarding releases connected with said 'historical fabrications for the purposes of entertainment, I may reserve the right to do a little creative writing of my own.
 As for the artwork, Howard I believe you have some grandchildren that could elevate your ability to tell the story in pictures in a pretty quick manner. From all I have read they are pretty Very sharp and talented kids and could help grandpa out easily as they have with other things that challenge him, like bigfoot tracking, etc.

[WV Sawmiller]

Tom.

  I can see you are looking long term and see a potential windfall here. I promise you if this epistle makes any money I will send you some of it. After all my overhead costs and lawyer fees and the appropriate commission to Jeff and his team (Tammy, Harley and Cedar) there may not be  whole lot left over.

  As to the artwork you are right. My 5 y/o GD and my 7 y/o GS are much better artists than I am. Actually they are pretty good at it. I have solicited help from from the other forum members but none have volunteered yet, Resonator is considering it I hear.   I think Lynn may ghost write and draw some but he has to find and finish his purple drank Miz Pat hid from him first.

  It there are any misrepresentations or failure to properly recollect in the events listed please feel free to publish your recollections and corrections of said events. I would welcome others picking up on this project and print how they heard or imagined the story line. You will note other than some initial confusion about various objects that he seems to think were benches he left somewhere outdoors that Doc has not refuted anything said.

  If I have offended you I sincerely apologize and hope all your cuts, bites, bruises, rashes and stings heal quickly. We would love to hear how you remember or imagine your version.  (Remember to break for paragraphs periodically)

[Resonator]

Resonator is considering it I hear.

Um...  
Don't know that I could add to your vivid imagination drawn in pencil and paper.

Though if it does become a screenplay and made into a movie, let me know and I can write a song for the soundtrack. (For a nominal fee of course.)

[Old Greenhorn]

Well as is typical, you are somewhat correct Howard, I was looking forward, but not for writing opportunities, I was thinking more about how this would play out in court as a defamation case.

 As for Doc not weighing in, I think he is preferring to retain culpable deniability. He is likely so overwhelmed that he can't even decide where to begin. When you wrote of him administering Betadine IM he had to be thinking about malpractice issues and defense strategies. Where did you get your medical training Howard? The DJT all night med school, car wash, and investment counseling school?

[Magicman]

Howard, have you thought about a Director yet?  Clint Eastwood is in Georgia, and I am quite sure that if he is politely asked he will unpolitely refuse. 

[WV Sawmiller]

Lynn,

   How about if I wear my Hog's Breath Inn T-shirt I bought at Clint's pace in Caramel CA? I bet that would sway Clint to take on the project,

Tom,

   See that is why we need your input as a Technical advisor as well as lead actor.

   Defamation?? I thought I read somewhere that truth was a legitimate defense in a slander case?

[Magicman]

You could prolly find something closer to home:

[WV Sawmiller]

    Does Clint Eastwood own the Billy Goat Tavern? He owns (or did when I was last out there) the Hog's Breath Inn in Carmel CA. It is next to the Eastwood building (Care to guess who owns it?). That is the one the city council would not give him a permit to add an awning so he ran for and got elected mayor of Carmel, got his permit, added his awning and went back to making movies and left politics for more respectable work. He also owned a restaurant named "The Mission" there in Carmel but I never visited it. The HBI was a laid back bar and grill with an outdoor eating area in the center IIRC. We ate lunch and I bought a couple of souvenir T-shirts from there when I was there.

   BTW - back when we owned goats I used to name them after various fairly famous and current politicians. If you have even been around billy goats you will understand the similarity of traits between the two.

[WV Sawmiller]

(Okay – we have had a short break because my laptop was in the shop and one of the orderlies took my crayons from me.)

                Doc checks on Tom and says it does not look like he has a concussion but says we need to watch him for a while when he wakes up to make sure he is not acting strange. Howard asks how we would know the difference. They both agree it would probably be better to explain the latest injuries as a simple accident rather than a joke that went awry.

                Howard gets a cool damp wash cloth and gently wipes Tom's face and says "Tom, wake up. You had a nightmare and slipped on a bar of soap and bumped your head on the tub."  Tom's eyes open and for a moment he looks like he is ready to kill someone then he gets a sort of dazed look and says "Nightmare? You say I had a nightmare? Then it really wasn't you trying to scare me?" Howard replies "Boy scout's honor. I never did anything but call out to you that dinner was ready."

(Of course Tom does not know Howard was kicked out of the boy scouts after his first camping trip when he switched the kindling with hollow sections of river cane that expanded and blew hot coals all over the scout master. He was able to plead ignorance at first but when he advised the newest member of the troop to put an unopened quart sized can of pork and beans in the coals to warm them up and the whole troop got splattered with hot beans when the can exploded, the scout master began to suspect a pattern. Putting the rat snake in the field toilet was the final straw and got him permanently disbarred.)

When Tom looks at Doc for verification Doc responds "All I can say is I heard you yell, saw you jump out of the tub and onto the bar of soap. I figure that could happen to almost anyone."

Tom accepts their explanation and gets dressed and they all sit down at the table for their evening repast. Sweet tea seems to be a big hit after the heat and humidity of the day. The Black eyed peas are very tasty but neither Tom or Doc are real sure about the boiled okra which they refer to as "That green slimy glop". The chops are a little dry but pretty flavorful till Doc says "I didn't know you brought pork chops along. These are pretty good". Howard replies "No, I forgot to stop at the butcher shop so I just went ahead and dressed out that 6' python Tom caught and cut him up into chops and fried him in bacon grease." Doc begins to get a little pale and his face sort of looks like the boiled okra (Or was that a purple pallor?) and says "Snake? We are eating snake?"

Tom stabs another center cut chop and says "Hey, meat is meat. Kind of reminds me of Christmas dinner in Norway. The meat is sort of like the smoked lamb chops. The okra kind of reminds me of boiled Lutefisk and instead of BE Peas we'd have had boiled rutabagas or Kohlrabi as they call it over there."

Doc steps out on the porch and takes a few deep breaths to help settle to topsy turvy feeling in his tummy. "Snake! No telling what kind of diseases those things carry or what he had been eating." Howard replies "Don't worry, I made sure to cook it well done. I'm sure it is safe to eat." Tom says "It tasted fine to me."

Doc notices a bare patch at the edge of the wood line and says "I spotted that last night when we first got here and I meant to ask you about what caused that bare spot." They all walk over and Howard sees a familiar, to him, sight. There is a hole that looks like and big D laying on it's side. "It's a gopher hole" says Howard. "What's a gopher?" asks Tom. "It's a type of burrowing tortoise we have all over Florida. We used to keep them as pets as they are real gentle and back during the depression people almost wiped them out eating them for food. They are highly protected now."

Doc looks closely into the hole which is about 14" wide. Howard says "This looks like it was a pretty big one. You can tell by the size of the hole. You can also see if it is active. If it is deserted you will find leaves blown in and spiderwebs across the front. This one looks active but I don't think it is a gopher. See there are spider webs over the edges but not in the middle. Other critters live in there and sometimes even live with the gopher."

"What kind of critters?" Doc asks. "Well rattlesnakes" (Tom immediately takes several steps back) "possums, rabbits, armadillos and other things". Doc looks in and says "Hey I see a pair of beady eyes looking at me." He breaks off a long stem off a big dog fennel and starts poking it down in the hole and  almost immediately it starts being pushed back at him. Doc steps back but trips over a fresh fallen pine cone and falls on his butt. "Ouch! That hurts." He stands up and Tom says "Hey, that looks like some kind of cactus or something."

Howard replies "You're pretty close. It is a prickly pear which is a sort of native cactus Animals steps on one and it sticks him and the pad breaks free. The animal pulls or shakes it free later on and the pad roots and grows a whole new prickly pear. They have pretty yellow flows and a red fruit we always called a prickly pear apple. Wild hogs and other animals eat them but I don't know how they get past the thorns. Gopher's love to eat them and its like the big Galapagos tortoises eating cactus down there."

Doc grumbles that he does not care about the life cycle of any dang prickly pear and just wants this one out of his but! Tom reaches on his belt and pulls out his Leatherman tool and opens up the pliers on it and as Doc drops his Levis down around his ankles, Tom begins pulling out the long white spines one by one. Doc yells like a banshee every time one comes free, usually with a good-sized chunk of his hiney attached. Suddenly the dog fennel stem in the gopher hole starts violently shaking and the beady eyes pop out followed by a thick furry body. Howard yells "Look out, it's a skunk. I forgot to mention that's another critter that live in old gopher holes. Now I know what we've been smelling at night."

Howard's warning is too late and the angry mama skunk comes out and raises her tail in warning. Howard and Tom jump clear but Doc can't run well with his britches down around his ankles. (Now maybe he knows how the rest of us feel when we come see him in his office!) The skunk throws a full load that hits Doc in a cloud of noxious fumes. Doc is a real spectacle running away with tiny little short steps before she can deliver another blast.

Once Doc is far enough from the entrance the Mama skunk turns around and chirrs softly and four baby skunks come out and follow her off into the brush. "Aren't they cute?" Tom replies. Howard responds "Yeah, there's nothing in nature cuter than a baby skunk. They make real good pets if you cut that scent gland out. Those look like they are nearly ready to wean but still young enough to tame and make good pets. Hey Doc, if we catch us a couple do you think you could remove the glands so we can keep them as pets?"

Doc is still heaving and having trouble breathing through the smell and can't see clearly and his reply is pretty garbled but Tom and Howard both agree Doc does not seem interested in performing surgery on a polecat at this time so they let the mother skunk and her brood leave unscathed.

While Doc sits on an old light'erd stump under a live oak, Tom and Howard discuss old time recipes to remove skunk scent. The generally accepted procedure generally includes use of lots of tomato juice and diesel fuel. They mix up a batch from some Swamp Buggy fuel and crushed up 'maters they'd brought to eat. Howard pours the concoction into an old rusty bucket and grabs a mop off the back porch and heads over to see about cleaning and deodorizing Doc.

Just before he gets there Doc lets out another scream and jumps up fanning and swatting at a yellow and black cloud that appears all around him. Apparently the light'erd stump has a yellowjacket nest in it and the movement and odor has agitated them beyond their tolerance.

Tom sees what is happening and retorts "Now you know how I felt when I was up in the tree with the hornets!" Doc runs through a thick patch of Titi an and seems to lose most of the nasty little vermin. Doc comes back to the yard and after he disrobes Howard scrubs him vigorously. Doc occasionally lets out a scream when Howard hits one pf the broken off prickly pear spine Tom missed. Howard comments "We need to see how this concoction works on all your yellowjacket stings too. Tom goes in to get his camera to record this for the Forum members but Doc reminds him that turnabout is fair play and Tom relents.

Howard keeps scrubbing and Doc's skin is taking on a nice rosy pink color with periodic big red bumps from the yellow jacket stings. Tow comes over to help and starts to light a cigarette and Howard reminds him he probably better wait till we get all this diesel off him. Tom says "Yeah, I forgot about that. We don't want to set Doc on fire and burn the woods or house down or something."

When all parts of Doc's body have been thoroughly scrubbed with diesel and tomato juice Howard says "Hey, I just remembered. I read somewhere the best thing for removing skunk oil is Hydrogen peroxide. Hey Doc, do you have any of that?" Doc says "Now you say so! I use it all the time and have several quarts in my kit." Tom opens the bag and finds the bottles and he and Howard soak some big car washing sponges with it and start  rinsing Doc thoroughly with it. It bubbles when it hits the holes left by the prickly pear spines and other cuts and abrasions but is generally pretty cool and relatively refreshing.

Once they get Doc cleaned up Howard sets up and old Army cot he found on the back porch as he and Tom still feel he needs a good overnight airing out. Tom takes a roll of duct tape and patches the worst of the holes in the porch screen netting to help keep the skeeters on the outside. From the bites they have been getting throughout the day the mosquitos are almost as painful as the hornets and yellowjackets that have stung Tom and Doc today.

[Texas Ranger]

Oh, my!

[WV Sawmiller]

(The next day)
            After a good night's sleep for Howard and a relatively restless one for Doc and Tom our crew awaken when a flock of crows start cawing in the swamp nearby. Howard figures both his confederates look pretty rough with still swollen eyes, cuts and a goose egg sized knot on the back of Tom's head. Doc carefully picks the softest chair in the house and adds an additional cushion from the sofa and slowly lowers his tender posterior into it. Howard fixes another big pot of grits and some toast. Tom reaches in the back of the fridge and says "Here, I brought these." Howard looks in shock and dismay to see Tom is holding a cardboard tube filled with nasty, slimy canned biscuits. How disgusting! "What are those for?" he asks sarcastically "I ain't eating no canned biscuits. I am not that hen-pecked yet!. We can save them for making dumplin's or fried apple pies but no self-respecting Southerner eats canned biscuit." Tom apologizes for his serious breach of etiquette and puts them back in the fridge.

            Howard fries up a pound or so of bacon and warms up the left over snake chops and they all eat a hearty breakfast. Tom notices Doc still does not touch the pan fried python so he and Howard finish it off. Tom is a little less reluctant to try the grits this morning.

            Our heroes collect the gear and head out to the swamp buggy and head out for a patch of high ground they spotted on the map they brought along. Tom and Doc both agree Doc still smells a little gamey so they seat him on the tailgate. After bouncing over an especially deep pothole Doc flies out of the vehicle but no serious injury seems indicated.

              A couple of times they get bogged down and Doc and Tom have to get out and push but they manage to get free from the sticky, gooey mud. Tom spits and grumbles after the third such occurrence and says "Did you have to gun it and throw all that mud on us when we had already pushed it free?" Howard says "Once you start moving out here you don't want to lose your momentum or you'll get stuck again so it is best to give it all she's got."

            At one really deep hole they can't get the buggy free so Howard says he will show them and old swamper's trick to getting unstuck. He spies a sturdy looking Blackgum about 30' in front of the buggy and runs a long thick nylon rope he'd brought around the tree and through the bumper and ties it in a big tight loop. Next he inserts a 4" cypress sapling he'd cut off beside the trail. He starts to twist the pole round and round and the rope gets tighter and tighter but the buggy doesn't move.. He tells Tom to hold the pole while he checks something. Sure enough, he'd forgotten to release the brake and the buggy was still in gear. He fixed both of those and the buggy lurched forward a foot them slides back. When the rope tightens with the backward movement the pole is Tom's mud slick hands slips and begins to spin backwards at a rapid pace. Tom barely jumps clear but bumps Doc who leans forward and gets severely smacked couple of times. He ends up with a goose egg to match Tom's and is pretty sure a couple of teeth will never grow back properly. "Sorry, about that, guys" Howard yells. Tom and Doc yell back but we need not be repeated as we are sure they didn't really mean it.

            Tom re-twists the pole and rope till it is tight and the buggy eases forward nearly two feet and Howard warns everyone to be ready, gooses the throttle and the buggy jumps out of the hole on to solid ground. The passengers get back on and they resume their journey till they see the high ground ahead. They park, grab their catch bags and start out on line carefully covering as much ground as quickly as is prudent.

            Doc spots something shining but it is only and old plastic bottle left by another snake hunter he suspects. Tom sees a bush shaking and runs over and grabs the tail of a 10' python but only after carefully checking for rattles. It makes a couple of strikes at him but Howard sneaks up from behind and grabs it behind the head. Doc rushes forward with an open bag and they put the snake in and tie it shut. Everyone congratulates each other and resume hunting. Howard spots a large cottonmouth but warns everyone to give it a wide berth so they leave it alone, and vice versa.

            Howard looks up and finds himself eye to eye with a nine foot python in a small pine tree. Before either of them think about what he is doing he has grabbed it securely behind the head and slides in in a bag for an impressive solo catch. Doc spots but loses a six foot juvenile who got in a hole before he could get through the brambles to grab him.

            Doc asks "Why is all this ground torn up." Howard replies that it is probably from wild hogs which are common in the area. He warns the others to be on the lookout for them and especially for sows with little pigs.

            Doc spots and catches an eight foot python with Tom's assistance as it was securely wrapped around a clump of myrtle bushes. They head over to a shady oak tree for a water break but find a sounder of wild hogs already there. The lead sow smells the snakes and rushes out in defense of her brood. They are still a good way off so they run toward Howard laughing and Tom tells Doc "We don't have to outrun her, we just have to outrun Howard!" Doc thinks it is a funny trick and puts on an extra burst of speed.

            Its an old and a real funny joke and as Tom and Doc pass Howard they are laughing at their prank. Unfortunately, neither are real familiar with hogs and the sow is gaining ground quickly. Howard quickly steps behind a light'erd stump and freezes. Tom Doc and the angry sow rush right past him. Howard thinks to himself "I guess they don't know hogs can't see well and they see motion much better than a stationary object.

            Doc stumbles and trips but falls on to Tom's flying feet so they both hit the ground rolling forward. They are helped along by the sow as she takes big bites out of their lower extremities. "ouch, Ooo, Help, This thing's tearing me up" come assorted cries form the duo.

            Howard figures he better help so he rushes back from where the sow came from and grabs a young piglet and twists its tail making it squeal. He has already made his escape plan and is heading to a large Magnolia tree with a low hanging limb. He shinnies up the Magnolia with the screaming piglet in his arms. "Since Doc didn't care for the snake maybe he will prefer roast pig for supper. I'll just take this little guy home for us to eat.." The sow rushes to the tree and rares up trying to reach him. To make matters worse a big spotted boar hog has noted the activity and comes over to investigate and help his lady friend. Howard climbs up higher in the tree and figures he will just have to wait it out. Doc and Tom have gotten up and are walking arm and arm helping each other back into the swamp buggy. Finally, they climb aboard and figure they are safe.

            Tom looks the situation over and says "Hey. I think we can just drive the buggy over there and Howard can just climb over in it with us." Doc concurs that should work and they start the machine and carefully thread their way through the cypress knees, swamp cabbages and fallen logs. As they get closer Howard is relieved and has never been so happy to hear the growl of the diesel engine. But it is not the motor growling. He looks up and sees he is sharing the tree with a very large male Florida Panther – a mountain lion! All the noise and shaking of the tree has awakened him and he is not happy with the interruption of his nap.

            "Hurry up guys" Howard yells but does not let the other two in on why the increased urgency is so important.

[Magicman]

And Howard is continually denying that he sipped da Purple Drank. 

[Otis1]

Well being from the north, I know what a 4-wheeler, side x side/ UTV, and even an argo look like. I'd like to see a picture of the swamp buggy. Is it on wheels or tracks? Why not an airboat? 

[WV Sawmiller]

Otis,

   Swamp buggies are normally homemade vehicles with giant, usually tractor, tires for extreme height and traction on off road conditions. Some use steering wheels . some may use levers like an old military tank, etc. They are often used to drive through several feet deep water to very remote places. I don't know of any place they are in wide use except the Everglades but there may be some in use in the bayous of Louisiana. I don't remember if Shelby had one or not. They can also drive across large patches of brush and such where an airboat could not go or would not be practical. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swamp_buggy

[Old Greenhorn]

Either my perceptions are changing or the illustrations are getting slightly clearer. In any event, I don't see Doc nor I coming out of this looking vey well.
 Howard, I think you may be watching too much "swamp people". Get yourself one of Dusty's Python Pill Pouches and load it up with the good stuff. I checked, he still has them in stock on his website.

[WV Sawmiller]

Tom,

    Just be very happy if any of use come out of this alive.

    I doubt the illustrations have improved much but you have simply opened your imagination a little wider.

[Magicman]

I am now safely at home. 

[WV Sawmiller]

   You didn't get the box we shipped you from The Everglades yet?

[WV Sawmiller]

(The final chapter – maybe? Howard has been up in that tree long enough and we better see about getting him down)

            Tom is driving and while dodging a large swamp cabbage palm he slides into a particularly deep mud hole and begins to spin. "Hey Doc, jump out and give me a push." Doc replies "You are out of your ever-loving mind! I'm not getting out of this buggy till we are away from those vicious hogs. Try rocking in out." Tom drives as far forward as he can then slams it in reverse and backs up as far as it will go then repeats. Each time he gets a little farther forward then a little farther backward    and finally the buggy gets enough traction to jump out of the hole.

            Tom drives to the tree on the opposite side of the trunk from Howard and says "Climb over here and jump in." The sow and boar are running into the frame of the buggy and slashing at it with their tusks but fortunately they do not puncture one of the tires.

            Howard replies "I can't change sides of the tree. There's a panther up there! On that limb." Tom sees the big yellow shape and throws the buggy in reverse and lunges backward. Just as he does the big cat attacks – Tom. He leaps for Tom but when he lands Tom is 5' further back and the cougar lands on the curved hood of the buggy which has a heavy coat of wet mud on it and the beast can't get tractions. He slides off the front of the buggy then the two hogs attack.  For several minutes it is shear bedlam with squeals and growls and slashing tusks and cutting claws. It is hard to see who is winning with the hogs on top then the panther. Blood and patches of fur are flying everywhere.

            Tom takes advantage of the distraction to drive over under the limb Howard is perched on. Howard can't hold on the limb with only one hand so he reluctantly but prudently drops the piglet. Howard drops into the cargo area of the buggy and baby Porky runs to his mom. When she sees him free she abandon's her fight with the mountain lion and rushes over to protect her baby. The boar and the cat continue for a few rounds then back off for a breather and wisely decide to just call this fight a draw. The cat limps off favoring his right front paw which has been well slashed and chewed. The boar runs off missing a couple of pounds off his left ham and some seriously shredded bacon strips but lucky to be alive.

                Our heroes decide they have had enough excitement for the day and probably for trip and head back to camp. When they arrive Tom and Doc take turns doctoring each other's bites and cuts and give each other a tetanus shot for good measure. Howard asks Doc if he thinks they should get rabies shots but Doc advises hogs are not likely carriers of the virus so they should not need those vaccines.

                Howard asks what they want for dinner. Nobody seems inclined to eat pork so he fries up a mess of catfish he brought with him. Boils up another pot of grits and fries up a few strips of bacon and fries a pan full of swamp cabbage in the bacon grease.

    For those you who are not familiar with swamp cabbage it is also referred to as heart of palm. It is the tender white center. You peel back a frond at a time till you get to the tender bud and cut an inch or two off till it starts to get tough then you peel another row or two off and repeat till you get to the center. Howard munches on the tasty raw delicacy as he prepares it. During cooking he adds a teaspoon full of sugar like his grandma taught him to counteract the bitter taste from the quinine inside the plant.

      They all sit down to dinner and enjoy the fish, grits and swamp cabbage. Tom and Doc are especially pleased with the swamp cabbage and eat several helpings. Howard tells them the quinine in the plant is one of the reasons the Seminole Indians were pretty resistant to malaria as it was part of their staple diet.

        After dinner Howard calls the buyer who come over to buy their catch. They have done pretty good and pretty much break even on their expenses making their vacation free. Howard sets the box with the rattlesnake aside to take back to WV with him. He also packages up the skin of a couple of the pythons they butchered to eat and prepares a label to ship one to Brookhaven Mississippi to the Magic Man and one to Jeff up in Michigan to show off at the pig roast. He calls the FedEx guy for a pick up and goes to take a shower.

      When he gets out of the shower Tom tells him "The FedEx guy came by and I gave him the 2 boxes and the labels and he taped them on and took them with him. Howard walks out and notices something odd – instead of the box with the live rattlesnake a smaller box containing a python skin is on the table.

    "Tom" Howard asks "What happened to the bigger box on the table?" Tom replies "The FedEx guy took it, put one of the labels on it and the other label on the other box and put them in his truck and drove off." Howard asks "Which label did he put on the bigger box?" Tom answers "I don't know. I told him they were both the same thing and it didn't matter who got which". Howard ponders this a while and says "Well, somebody if in for a big surprise!"

      The guys pack up their stuff for a final departure and recount their episodes. It has certainly been exciting and not what anyone expected. Nobody is going to believe them anyway. They decide they will have to do another trip in the future. They decide on a trip to Alaska in August of next year. Howard says he has in-laws who live there who can help guide them on a combination fishing trip and photo safari to take pictures of the bears feeding on the salmon and the moose should be in rut and Howard thinks he can call one in real close. What could go wrong with that?



Epilogue – Tom and Doc enjoyed the swamp cabbage and seeing how it was harvested and prepared and leaning of the medicinal properties. What Howard forgot to tell them was it is also probably the world's greatest laxative. They fought over the one toilet in the B&B all night long!

[Otis1]

Just read that a few days ago some guy in CA got a rattlesnake in the mail. (for real) Maybe you got the address wrong