Being a parent and adult children.......

[Sedgehammer]

Went to my mom's celebration of life last July. Was planned to run from noon to 4, then to the cemetery 10 minutes away. Ended up running past 5. Around 3:30 or so didn't see my 2 eldest. Didn't think much of it, as I wasn't really looking for them. Just figured they were in the crowd somewhere. 

We left for the cemetery. We were the lead car. Got there and just looked around to see who all came. I noticed my eldest daughter and eldest son not there. I also noticed my youngest brother not at the cemetery, but he was at the celebration the entire time. 

Grave side services were just getting done when he showed up just in time for pictures and a few minuets after he arrived, my 2 showed up. Pictures done and people mingling around my daughter walks up to us and I asked where she was. She said they went to the bar (theres a bar just down the street from where we rented the hall) and then she goes "no judgments".

What response should I have had in this situation ? 

I'll fill in more details after I get several opines.

[sawguy21]

Sad that they don't have any more respect for her memory  but they are adults and entitled to make their own decisions. Each of us grieves in our own way.

[beenthere]

Brother and sister meeting at a bar prolly (could have) and "could mean" they have a good relationship and bonded better than being with the crowd. Good that they made the pictures for lasting memory.

Have several times raised a drink to toast the many good memories of past loved ones and friends. 

I'd suggest not judging them, as your daughter said. They have their own path in life to walk on now. 

[florida]

It means they have a different way of dealing with death and a whole different set of memories than you do. I've skipped a few funerals for those reasons so I agree with your daughter. However, funerals are mostly for the living and I would have had my feelings hurt just like you did.

[mike_belben]

its hard to say, you have a lifetime of experience with all the parties involved and we have a paragraph so theres no way any of us can give you a great perspective.  except to say that theyre youre family.  find ways to love them while you can.  satan loves breaking up families. 

[Wudman]

I've always believed that you honor a person during life.  You can't do a thing for them once gone.  I will frequently go to family night to pay respects and acknowledge the family, but not attend the actual funeral.  I have told my wife that I did not want a funeral.......the last thing I want is somebody walking by my casket and saying "Doesn't he look good?"  I've raised a glass to friends that have passed on......he would have wanted it that way and I am sure he was there in spirit.  

Wud

[Tom King]

I remember when I was about 17, at my best friend's (still is) Mother's funeral, and I was dating his Sister at the time, I didn't go over to talk to either of them.  I don't know why.  They were really a little put out, sometime later, that I hadn't come up to them at the funeral.  I still don't know why I didn't, but I still remember that day like it was last week, when it was really in 1967.

[Sedgehammer]

I'll add this for @sawguy21, @beenthere, @florida

The daughter had been up for the celebration of life for a full week and had been out with the eldest brother several times. She stayed at his house. If the whole family went to the bar to share a drink in remembrance, I can under stand that

@mike_belben I agree on what satan loves doing. He works that several ways

[Roxie]

I once got asked by my sister why my son wasn't at her Christmas party. My reply was that she would have to ask him, I didn't run his schedule since he's a grown man. 

Did you want them there for you or did you want them to do as you'd do?  They have their own pain to deal with in their own way. 

The goal of raising children is to make them independent and responsible for their own decisions and actions.  So congratulations on raising them to think for themselves and not just conforming to others expectations. 

[Sedgehammer]

I once got asked by my sister why my son wasn't at her Christmas party. My reply was that she would have to ask him, I didn't run his schedule since he's a grown man.

Did you want them there for you or did you want them to do as you'd do?  They have their own pain to deal with in their own way.

The goal of raising children is to make them independent and responsible for their own decisions and actions.  So congratulations on raising them to think for themselves and not just conforming to others expectations.

I wood have given the same answer and do give it

Not there for me. I am not personally bothered by anything they do

I agree with your statement about being independent and responsible for there own actions 100%

[Roxie]

It ain't easy. 

[Erik A]

I don't know your family, so just thinking in very broad terms.

They can do what they want, they could raise a glass at any time, they can never be there for the part they missed, you can't make it up or do it later!

They were not there to help you or the other family members, which is sad!

Young adults today get "stressed" over the smallest things. They think there life is coming to an end when they don't have internet access, etc.!

There are things in life we do even when we don't want to for the others around us, my nephews treat my mom with no respect and it frustrates the *$:*$& out of me.

If it were me, I would use the no judgments line for about the next ten years when ever they wanted something!

[Sedgehammer]

@Erik A True on many accounts

I should add that she and my eldest son are extremely hard workers and have risen very well in their fields where they work. They aren't the triggered type at all. Which makes this even more frustrating 

[snobdds]

I wouldn't worry about it, life is too short.  I am familiar with expectations bestowed upon from the parential units. I have also seen how those same expectations have driven away people as they don't want the expectations to live up to. 

It's a fine line and I would error upon letting adults make their own decisions and not judging. 

Don't loose a kid over this...

[Southside]

I have been the black sheep of my family for 30 years or more.  Honestly I don't know why.  Yup I moved away and chased my dreams.  Not like I haven't worked hard and had some measure of success as a result, never been in trouble, wife had a successful career, etc.  Was at an uncles funeral a few years back and this girl asked me how I knew the deceased.  Told her he was my uncle, she asked who my dad was and when I told her she was shocked.  Said she worked with my sister, had been to my folks house for meals, "and I never..." then she got really, really, quiet.  About that time my sister came up to her, whispered in her hear and she was gone.  I laughed about it because I knew how she felt.  

Maybe somewhere along the way decades ago I did something that caused the reaction you had the other day, and they never got over it. Don't know.  

My dad passed away in August, had to fly from Richmond to Atlanta to Detroit to Providence to rent a car and drive the rest of the way as a hurricane had messed things up.  Needless to say it was a long, exhausting, trip.  Got about four hours sleep and walk into my folks house, was there two minutes and started getting torn apart about my dammed jacket pocket being wrinkled, almost walked right back out the door and headed for home, two more seconds and I would have been gone.  

Let it go, otherwise it will fester and grow into something ugly and nobody will know why.  

[Sedgehammer]

@snobdds not worried. Reason I posted this is to see how'd ya'll wood've handled it. I'm not losing a kid. My kid is losing her pa

@Southside sorry for your loss. I to am the black sheep of my family, save my parents and I dunno why either. Oh well, their loss. Oh, it doesn't bother me. I refuse to let things bother me that I cannot control. I've seen too many people ruin their lives over worry. 

With that all said, my wife instantly agreed how I handled it. A friend of mine though excoriated me over it, so I thought I'd get some other view points on it

[sawguy21]

I have been through it too. My sister and I were adopted separately and have never been close. Five years ago she told me I am not family, we haven't spoken since but it doesn't bother me. I am tired of trying to mend fences, tired of the drama. I ran into her son this spring while on a walk, he lives a short distance away. Neither of us knew the other was here so are getting reacquainted. My dad once told me he didn't feel he needed to be friends just because he was related which is quite true.

[snobdds]

 I'm not losing a kid. My kid is losing her pa

I hope you reconsider.  It will end up hurting you more than them...

[mike_belben]

im sorry to hear that sawguy.  thats pretty cold of her. 

[newoodguy78]

One thing I've learned through the years is accept people for who they are trying to get them to conform is a no win situation. I'm definitely the free range chicken of my family it's caused some problems throughout the years but oh well. I try to be a good person to those around me.
I've also been the guy in the parking lot with limited others while there was a funeral going on. Having a beer and telling stories about the person. Sometimes depending on who it is it just seems like a more appropriate way to send someone off.

[SawyerTed]

I've gotten into trouble a time or two expecting my siblings or my children to act in a way that conforms to my values.  Recognizing that they have different values helps explain a lot.  Doesn't mean we have to agree but it helps bring peace to a relationship.  Knowing up front there are differences in values helps avoid misunderstandings.  My children choose to do things differently than my wife and I did, they aren't wrong they are just different.  Sometimes I don't like it but I'd rather have my children than alienate them.  They ultimately have to live with their choices.  It isn't necessary for me to pass judgement, life, karma or their conscience will catch up to them. 

Hate the sin, love the sinner.  I'm fortunate my own parents did as much for me!

[sawguy21]

im sorry to hear that sawguy.  thats pretty cold of her.

It is. Her son tells me she has pretty much destroyed most of her relationships, he doesn't like her either,  but at 70 she is not going to change

[Sedgehammer]

I've gotten into trouble a time or two expecting my siblings or my children to act in a way that conforms to my values.  Recognizing that they have different values helps explain a lot.  Doesn't mean we have to agree but it helps bring peace to a relationship.  Knowing up front there are differences in values helps avoid misunderstandings.  My children choose to do things differently than my wife and I did, they aren't wrong they are just different.  Sometimes I don't like it but I'd rather have my children than alienate them.  They ultimately have to live with their choices.  It isn't necessary for me to pass judgement, life, karma or their conscience will catch up to them.

Hate the sin, love the sinner.  I'm fortunate my own parents did as much for me!

I have a friend who is a farmer. They've done well. Kid's had a good life growing up. He and his wife is/went through that exact same thing. He and his wife are conservative. They raised thier kid's in a conservative home. They are a Christian. They raised their kid's in a Christian home. His daughter was conservative and a Christian before heading off to college. After college she acted like they (her parents) were so stupid, even though both her parents are brilliant. More recently she wood tell him how terrible he was since he's white and a male. Etc, etc

He tried to accommodate her over the years, so she'd keep a relationship with them. Not talking politics. Nothing. It got to the point where they'd have to refer to their grandson as gender neutral and that they wood have to put away the boy toys when they visited, as their grandson wood go straight to those toys when he was there

This 'relationship' was extremely tiring, as the 'rules' were always changing. My friend and his wife finally reached their breaking point and told her that they weren't changing their life to accommodate her any longer. They loved her, but If she wanted to still have a 'relationship' with them, then it was as they were and how she was raised

They miss her, but never felt better. The pressure to act a certain way was crushing. Depressive even

If one gives up who they are to 'please' someone, then there isn't any real relationship

I nor my wife will give up 'who' we are for our kids or anyone else. All I told her was 'yes, judgment'. She was utterly and totally wrong and she knew it. That's why she got mad. She was called out. I, nor my wife will condone that disrespectfulness to their elders. Will this mean that 1 or more of my kids won't come around at times. Probably, but the stress of being someone else when someone else is around is worse.

[barbender]

I'm not much of an accomadator, at least not in that scenario that you just described with your friends, Sedge. I've let it be known that this is our home, you know what we believe and how you were raised. You are free to believe and live as you please, but there are consequences in your relationships due to that. We love our kids dearly but I won't tolerate someone trying to turn our world upside down. 
  How would I have handled your situation? I don't know, it's hard to say without being there. But for the most part, if people were hurt and disrespected by their absence, they would've heard about it from me. If they were to emotionally distressed to be there it would be completely different, but if they just didn't feel like being there or some other shallow reason, I would be peeved!

[Ianab]

Tough call.

I'm not for burning bridges, but I'm also not really close to my extended family either.  Not that we are estranged, just it might be months between catching up. 

I'm also not big on ceremony and tradition either. "We do this because we have always done this..." Why? 
 
An overly religious ceremony unsettles me, because I'm there, and expected to participate in something I have no connection to. I can sit quietly through a church funeral or wedding out of respect, but after 3 or 4  hours I'd be looking for a break too. 

I can see being disappointed that they bailed, but i wouldn't burn bridges over it. You don't know how they felt about the ceremony. It's not worth bearing a grudge over.