Funny Huntin' Story

[Bibbyman]

Bullseye and the tom,

Everyone called Allen "Bullseye" because his two main obsessions were hunting and shooting.   Herb was Bullseye's best hunting buddy.  Herb referred to himself as "Ol'Dad".  

Every hunting season provided another story from Bullseye.  His oratory skills may not have been up to Will Rogers' level but he made up for it with his stage performance.  His stories were quite animated.  His turkey impersonation put him through all kinds of contortions - his back concave with his butt up and out - chest and face cheeks fully puffed out - arms arced to his side like a sumo wrestler - strutting, drumming and gobbling. Yes,  it was always a performance.

Out of hundreds,  one story comes to mind:

It was a cold spring morning with light drizzle falling.  Bullseye and Ol'Dad cut off turkey hunting early because nothing was answering their calls.  They were driving back home when they spotted two toms out in a new wheat field a drumming and strutting.  

A plan was quickly formed:  Ol'Dad would drop Bullseye off just down the road at a small tree-lined creek that bordered the wheat field.  He would "indian" his way down the creak bed and hide in a place of opportunity. Then Ol'Dad would turn around and come back to the field and drive out into it in order to spook the toms into the direction of Bullseye. (No consideration that they would be trespassing and hunting without permission.  This was an emergency as the turkeys were not within shotgun range of the road!)

With the ambush set and quarry put in motion,  so far so good.  When the first tom broke into the creek area,  Bullseye let him have it with his 870 3" magnum 12 gauge.  Feathers flew and the tom was knocked down but quickly recovered.  As any turkey hunter knows,  about the only way to anchor a tom is by putting shot in the brain.  

Down the creek the tom went with Bullseye in hot pursuit.  He got off a second shot that also had an effect but did not stop the bird.  Another hundred yards into the chase and another attempt was made to end the life of this tom, but it too failed.

Having not planned this far ahead,  Bullseye had now exhausted the shells in his gun and had neglected to bring extras.  A strategic mistake.  Bullseye laid the 870 on the gravel bar and continued to dog the somewhat worse for wear bird.  Through brush, weeds, alternate gravel bars and holes of water they continued until the tom tried to hide under the roots of an undercut tree on the bank.  

Bullseye pulled the cornered bird from its hiding place.  Now if you've ever raised tame turkeys,  you know how formidable a tom can be in hand to wing fighting.  He showed us the collection of bruises and cuts he received in the mayhem.   But he finally got on top and pinned the tom's wings down with his knees and choked the life out of the tom.

Exhausted, soaked from rain and wading through pools of water, battered and bruised,  the contents of Bullseye's stomach decided to reverse direction and display his breakfast of jerked road-kill deer and 5-6 Old Milwaukee's Best right there on the gravel bar.

After a recovery time,  he picked up his trophy and made his way back up the creek to his 870 and then to the Ol'Dad waiting in the truck.

Bullseye was recapping the events in the truck with Ol'Dad when, right out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie,  the tom revived!  Must have been quite a scene in the steamed up confined cab of the P.U.!  Finally the tom was again overpowered.  His neck was placed in the door window and the glass cranked up until any hope of life was gone.

I can't imagine why,  with all the damage inflicted,  but Bullseye wanted to have this bird mounted.  But instead of taking it to a taxidermist to have it skinned,  he decided to take it home first.  The normal procedure would be to put the deceased in a heavy trash bag and put it in a freezer.  Not the Bullseye way.  He cleared the top shelf of the refrigerator and arranged the bird - using a 16-oz beer can to hold up its head for maximum display.  When wife Birdie came home and opened the refrigerator,  Bullseye had yet another fight on his hands.

[CHARLIE]

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
That's a good one and thanks for sharing it.  I've got a couple to tell myself, but I'll wait and read some others first.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Don P]

Ken and the bear pit

This story was told to us by a client some years ago about a defining event in his transformation from city boy to country man. He is a much better teller of the tale than I but since he's not here to defend himself, you're stuck with my recollection.  Where we built for them was about a mile back in the woods with their property backed up to a 8,000 acre deep woods. Some of the best moonshining, hunting, forgotten land in the mountains. A few of the old folks up there still make do on there own, wildcrafting for any cash they may need. I realized at one point on the job I hadn't been out for 3 months and hadn't missed a thing.

Ken came from DC, his dad was a big deal diplomat and he grew up in those places I'll only read about in the papers. Soon after moving to the hills he was invited to go turkey hunting and agreed to go. Towards late in the day he made a shot and did some damage so began trailing his bird. He ended up after dark deep in some unforgiving terrain totally lost. By this time his buddies had made it back to the truck and shot to let him know it was well past quitting time. Ken started working his way out and fell, a very long way. He laid there for some time trying to collect his senses and survey his injuries. After realizing he was basically alright but a bit worse for the journey ,he started to look for a way up and out. In the dark he couldn't find any way that seemed safe enough to try. He shot to let his buddies know where he was, they answered, he returned, and then all fell silent. He could tell they were a great distance off. In the passing hours of the night he realized he was in a deep pit amongst bones of unfortunate cows and other critters that had also stumbled in. Very late into the night he heard a shot and returned fire, then sometime later shouts and he called back until hoarse. Finally lights shone across the top and a voice called "Over Here" ,it was the old timer that his friends had gone to for help as he was the only one who knew the woods well enough to lead a search party to "The Bear Pit" in the dark. Many voices could be heard above and finally a rope came down and Ken tied in. They hauled him out, his buddies, the old timer and the rescue squad. They all then followed the old woodsman back out, by which time the local news had picked up the radio traffic. When they got to the road the cameras were there, the heroes posed, and poor Ken a bit disheveled, barked up, tired and cold made the perfect photo op. He made the front page and the morning news.

Now, Ken was the new hot shot computer whiz the big national company had sent down to the local branch to bring the folks up to speed. As he approached the office the next morning still pretty punchy he was greeted by a banner across the door featuring the pictures from the paper and in big letters " WELCOME YANKEE"

[Tom]

That's funny, Don.  Kick'em when there down. :D  

It kinda reminds me of the story of the fellow who jumped out of the fresh grave one night when a voice behind him said "you can't get out of here, I've been trying all evening."