Being a parent and adult children.......

[Bruno of NH]

I'm the black Rhino on my family. When someone needs help I'm the first one to help.
Some get togethers I don't get invited,  I'm not Coco butter enough.
Sheilas family gets upset when I can't make a family thing.
I have always had a hard time with the funeral thing.
I was raised Catholic and a funeral is a big deal.

[Roxie]

Sedgehammer saying that she is losing her dad, puts the blame on her but the reality is that your unforgiving heart is to blame. This is your choice. 

I thought Christians were told to forgive. This hypocrisy is what turns people off to Christianity itself. 

You are making the mistake of a lifetime. You are showing her that your love is conditional. Is Gods? 

[Sedgehammer]

@barbender There was no distress. It was a good time. She was clearly enjoying herself. No one there was crying or being emotional. People were laughing and talking about this and that

@Ianab There was no ceremony. This was a celebration of life with a dinner, with beer (it was in Wisconsin, you drink beer with everything). Just hanging out talking with family, going through old pictures and related

@Bruno of NH Me to. Black sheeped. I am the first to help and have helped with 100's of thousands of dollars. Go figure

@Roxie You miss understand. As a Christian doesn't mean one rolls over when someone did something very disrespectful. The Lord doesn't forgive us unless we repent and ask for forgiveness. Yes, she is losing us. I still love her. That has not changed. But that love does not mean that if you do something wrong, that you will not be corrected for it. If that happened with your kid at her grand ma's celebration of life you wouldn't have said something? I didn't tell her she cannot call or come over until she apologizes. I just said what she did was wrong. That's it  

I will add this. As a parent of adult children, for me what changes is there no longer a punishment for wrong doings followed with an explanation why they were punished and then told they are loved and if they understand why they were punished. There's just 'that was wrong', 'you know better', etc. 

[SawyerTed]

I've gotten into trouble a time or two expecting my siblings or my children to act in a way that conforms to my values.  Recognizing that they have different values helps explain a lot.  Doesn't mean we have to agree but it helps bring peace to a relationship.  Knowing up front there are differences in values helps avoid misunderstandings.  My children choose to do things differently than my wife and I did, they aren't wrong they are just different.  Sometimes I don't like it but I'd rather have my children than alienate them.  They ultimately have to live with their choices.  It isn't necessary for me to pass judgement, life, karma or their conscience will catch up to them.

Hate the sin, love the sinner.  I'm fortunate my own parents did as much for me!

I have a friend who is a farmer. They've done well. Kid's had a good life growing up. He and his wife is/went through that exact same thing. He and his wife are conservative. They raised thier kid's in a conservative home. They are a Christian. They raised their kid's in a Christian home. His daughter was conservative and a Christian before heading off to college. After college she acted like they (her parents) were so stupid, even though both her parents are brilliant. More recently she wood tell him how terrible he was since he's white and a male. Etc, etc

He tried to accommodate her over the years, so she'd keep a relationship with them. Not talking politics. Nothing. It got to the point where they'd have to refer to their grandson as gender neutral and that they wood have to put away the boy toys when they visited, as their grandson wood go straight to those toys when he was there

This 'relationship' was extremely tiring, as the 'rules' were always changing. My friend and his wife finally reached their breaking point and told her that they weren't changing their life to accommodate her any longer. They loved her, but If she wanted to still have a 'relationship' with them, then it was as they were and how she was raised

They miss her, but never felt better. The pressure to act a certain way was crushing. Depressive even

If one gives up who they are to 'please' someone, then there isn't any real relationship

I nor my wife will give up 'who' we are for our kids or anyone else. All I told her was 'yes, judgment'. She was utterly and totally wrong and she knew it. That's why she got mad. She was called out. I, nor my wife will condone that disrespectfulness to their elders. Will this mean that 1 or more of my kids won't come around at times. Probably, but the stress of being someone else when someone else is around is worse.

What an absurd story.  Nobody said give up who you are or what you believe.

I'll pray that wisdom and love prevail and your relationships are restored. 

[low_48]

Sorry for your loss Sledgehammer. That's a tough one. I have my own weight to bare over my Mother's death in 2018. My Mom lived about 40 miles away. I handled all my Mother's affairs, mowed her yard, brought her groceries every week, found a nice assisted living place, cleaned out her home, moved her, on and on...... None of the Grandchildren ever came to visit her after she was moved from home. Said they couldn't handle her dementia, "It's just not Grandma anymore". Well it was still her, but with a melted brain. It was a time when she really needed family to bolster her  up. She left my brother and myself out of her will, said we both had plenty of money, and gave it to all the grandkids. Death can brings lots of hurt, in many ways!

[Sedgehammer]

@SawyerTed what's absurd?

If you wood, what wood you have done/said if your daughter walked up to you like mine did ? 

@low_48 thanks

That wood be hard. I know you didn't do all of that because you were expecting a payout, but the fact they threw her under the dirt and yet they were rewarded 

[Tacotodd]

SH, on that last line of your last post, YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH!!!

[SawyerTed]

What's absurd?  The story of the terribly naïve daughter and the whole idea that toys have some gender specificity which will be detrimental to the child.  And the whole notion that the parents had to give up being who they are.  Pride and "being right" have consequences as does being overprotective of a child. 

Sedge, you have to know your situation hits close to home for me.  I am 59 years old, I've raised both girls and a boy to adulthood, they are 32, 31 and 28.  From time to time they have disappointed me as I have disappointed them on occasion.  It happens, we are all flawed to some degree.  I only know One who walked this earth was not.

I lived something similar in January when my mother died and my dad had a major health crisis in the middle of mom's hospice care.  I prefer to keep details of my situation mostly private but it involved my two daughters and a conflict among us.  We all were grieving the coming loss of my mother and their grandmother and I dealing with a stressful health situation with Dad.  It wasn't easy dealing with the immediate issues and dealing with my children and their grief.  On top of that my siblings were being difficult as well.  

The whole situation made us all do things out of character.  Grief and a health crisis have a funny way of making people do unusual things that others don't expect, even things that are weird or disappointing to others.  There are so many raw feelings at times like that and it takes so very little to aggravate them.

The conflict with my daughters was over something that was relatively unimportant.  But it was an ugly big blowout of an argument.  My wife reminded me, in her gentle buy very to the point way, that my role as a husband, father and family leader was to find some way to reach healing of our relationships.  

After some prayerful consideration, I went to each of my daughters and we talked about it.  They had to understand my position and I and theirs.  Doesn't mean we agreed, it means we understand where the others were coming from.  We all accepted our parts in the conflict, forgave the others and now we have moved on as a family.  We are better for it.  

I have lived what you are going through.  Our adult children are exactly that, adults.  I've had to learn, that as much as I want them to have the values I have, they and their significant others are their own men and women.  That means they will disappoint us from time to time.  Doesn't mean we have to agree with them, but if we want them in our lives, it means we have to forgive them when they disappoint us, tolerate the differences and recognize we can be as disappointing to them at times.  Doesn't mean we have to give up who we are or what we believe.  

But if we lead by example and deed, our adult children will reciprocate the tolerance, forgiveness and understand there's a way to disagree without being disagreeable.

I imagine your daughter is hurting over the conflict as much as you seem to be.  I also suspect that she clearly knows she was disrespectful in her actions. You told her as much as you should have.  

Again, I pray for you and your family that wisdom and love will give you some restoration of a relationship with your children.  

[Sedgehammer]

@SawyerTed Sorry for your loss

Thanks for the very heart felt explanation and pointed thoughts 

[SawyerTed]

Thank you. I too am sorry for your loss. 

It is one thing to lose the dying and something else completely to lose the living. 

I apologize if I am too "preachy".   The thought of losing my living girls scared me pretty badly.

[Corley5]

Adult children are adults.  My father and I haven't spoken a 1/2 dozen words in a dozen years because of his control issues.

[moodnacreek]

I have been through it too. My sister and I were adopted separately and have never been close. Five years ago she told me I am not family, we haven't spoken since but it doesn't bother me. I am tired of trying to mend fences, tired of the drama. I ran into her son this spring while on a walk, he lives a short distance away. Neither of us knew the other was here so are getting reacquainted. My dad once told me he didn't feel he needed to be friends just because he was related which is quite true.

Man you and I could talk . [but this is not about us]

[beenthere]

Adult children are adults.  My father and I haven't spoken a 1/2 dozen words in a dozen years because of his control issues.

Your comment reminded me of a summer I worked with fellow employee (Jim) and was invited to his home a few miles from our work site. Mother and father were German, and after dinner a big argument broke out between Jim and his father about father telling Jim how to do something. 
Jim was a 4 year veteran in the Navy and now going to college. Well into the argument, Jim who was remaining calm (not shouting and not agreeing) but not happy said to his Dad "When are you going to quit being my father, and be my friend"?
Jim and I left, but Jim said that after that he and his father enjoyed each others' company and friendship until Dad passed. 
Apparently father realized that he was the one needing to change from "father" to be his son's friend. 
Good thing to think about. It was a lesson for me and have tried my best to practice just that. All four of my adult children in their 50's are great friends with each other and with their parents. 

[Sedgehammer]

Thank you. I too am sorry for your loss.

It is one thing to lose the dying and something else completely to lose the living.

I apologize if I am too "preachy".   The thought of losing my living girls scared me pretty badly.

Thanks. Not too preachy. You were telling it just how you felt it.

she's been in and out of our lives so to speak in the past. didn't need me so didn't call me for several long spells till she needed me. I hate it anytime my kids want to be 'lost' from me, but i'll not beg or pander

[Sedgehammer]

Adult children are adults.  My father and I haven't spoken a 1/2 dozen words in a dozen years because of his control issues.

Yes they are and like all good friends should be, they will tell you when you screwed up. It's even Biblical 

[beenthere]

I hate it anytime my kids want to be 'lost' from me, but i'll not beg or pander

Sorry to question you but if this is true, then I do not understand your original post in this thread.  ??

Hopefully you figure out what your problem is with your kids. 

[Corley5]

Don't be judgmental.  Especially with other adults. 

[mike_belben]

Adult children are adults.  My father and I haven't spoken a 1/2 dozen words in a dozen years because of his control issues.

I am going to have a difficult time loosening the reins in the future but i know it will need to be done.  Its tough when you live in a farmers market of dope and have seen the happy baby pictures of the current hopeless addicts.  

[Sedgehammer]

I hate it anytime my kids want to be 'lost' from me, but i'll not beg or pander

Sorry to question you but if this is true, then I do not understand your original post in this thread.  ??

Hopefully you figure out what your problem is with your kids.

My daughter dated an atheist/socialist for 5 years. He almost switched her over. He didn't like coming to our house as we were too 'preachy', as we pray before most meals. I won't change who we are for anyone.  

[Sedgehammer]

Don't be judgmental.  Especially with other adults.

So you woodn't have had any reaction if your daughter did this ? You wood've just smiled and ignored what happened ? Or how about when a friend calls up for advice and you wooldn't tell him he messed up ? You woodn't tell your son/daughter that they shouldn't live together before marriage ? What if you had a son that was marriad and only wanted to play video games all day and not work. Wood you not tell him this is wrong ? Do you have rules at your home ? Meaning a shirt on for eating at the table ? Hats off ? Nearly anything you deem wrong is a type of judgement on another person.  

My daughter in question moved in with the ashiest/socialist we told her it was wrong and the why's. Now every time we spoke to her while she was in this relationship we didn't bring it up. Now if I was beating her over the head about it every time we talked, yeah, that'd be wrong

[Corley5]

You're being judgmental. 

[Corley5]

It's called minding your own business.  Adults make decisions everyday and live with the consequences. 

[barbender]

I don't think that's right, Corley. I don't think it's being judgemental to point out to someone that the choices they are making are going to clash and cause issues in your relationship. I've been through this before- you're an adult make your own choices, but there are consequences. For instance, if my daughter wants to date a fool, don't expect me to treat him like a for real guy🤷‍♂️ The closer you are to me in my relationships, the higher my expectations are. They are free to date someone that may have wildly different beliefs than sun but it us more than likely going to create some distance. We all have expectations of each other...I don't suppose they'd be so keen on the "no judgement" if you went and cheated on their Mom, to use an extreme example. Don't you think that would create a bit of a rift? But then there is this notion that we are supposed to accept whatever they do, no matter what🤷‍♂️

[Sedgehammer]

You're being judgmental.

It's called minding your own business.  Adults make decisions everyday and live with the consequences.

Corely, you are judging me to say I'm being judgemental.....

I don't walk around telling people they are wrong or just go ask people why they are doing this or that

This is about a father/daughter relationship. Family

I've asked you several times and yet you've not responded on how you wood've reacted  to your daughter's disrespectfulness to not only her grandmother, but the entire family as a whole

@barbender to the point and how. I'm sure there'd be a whole lot of judging going on if one stepped out on mom.....

[Corley5]

  Adults make decisions.   Giving advice and telling another adult how they should live their life are two different  things.
  I'm  looking at this from the Adult Child perspective.  You're trying to control and interfere based upon on your judgements of the situation.  That's my option. 
  I don't have a daughter and you asked for the advice.