Sometimes All I Can Do is Laugh at Myself

[YellowHammer]

The problem is I'm not one to read manuals.  

So I have to be smarter than the car....which now seems to be a problem...

[btulloh]

"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

[btulloh]

The problem is I'm not one to read manuals.  

So I have to be smarter than the car....which now seems to be a problem...

You can't outsmart it.  You can only hope to coexist. 

[GAB]

The quick start guides and manuals for the various security, driver monitoring, vehicle operations, etc., are over 1200 pages. 

I'd have to be very board to read 1200 pages even if they were only 3" x 5" in size.
Most likely I'd be asleep by page 3.
GAB

[firefighter ontheside]

Same here @Tom the Sawyer 2020 Touring.  We kept the 2014 Forester to drive as a third vehicle.  I drive it to work a lot.  It has 198,000 miles.  I'm driving my truck tonight for the first time since this talk about extra features began.  I'll be trying to engage the sport mode.  That probably won't be good for fuel mileage.

[gspren]

A few weeks ago we had one of those days where it wasn't cold but with high humidity I turned on the defroster in my 2019 F350 "smart truck", defroster worked good but I noticed the steering wheel was getting hot, I had to pull in a parking lot and get out the manual to figure out how to run defrost without automatically turning on the heated steering wheel.

[firefighter ontheside]

That's the one thing that I wish my truck had.  Heated steering wheel.  Of course Cindy's Subaru has it.  If I could have heated steering wheel with my heated seats, I'd rarely use the actual heater.

[btulloh]

Love the heated steering wheel. Not a fan of heated seats for some reason, but both come on automatically with a remote start and temp is below 40 degrees. 

[YellowHammer]

It has a heated steering wheel?  I had vaguely heard that, but couldn't find the switch.  I refuse to look in the manual....even "quick start" guide with a measly 1,200 pages.  Can I just say "Hey you stupid truck, turn on the DanG steering wheel heater??"

And where is the coffee maker?  That's what a truck really needs to keep a driver from becoming drowsy.  Or an electric cattle prod as part of the seat massager.  

I did have an ironic moment yesterday.  I was cruising around, and pushing buttons trying to set the phone, the dashboard  display, satellite radio, speaker balance, everything.  Every now and then the lane assist would shake the steering wheel to remind me to stay in my lane.  I finally got to the menu where I could set up a custom dashboard display page and when I tried to set it, the stupid truck said I couldn't set that while it was moving.  Really??  I can set and scroll through everything else but that...then I really had a heart to heart with Siri.  She wasn't pleased with my language.  

As I'm typing this, a TV commercial comes on with "Hands free cruise control on a GM Denali."  At full cruise speed somebody is supposed to trust their life to a truck, let go of the wheel, and have it pass other vehicles?  That's just getting a little too much.  

Sierra Will Feature Super Cruise Hands-Free Driver Assistance | GMC Life

[Southside]

You need to get yourself some cows again so you can justify a new 9 series JD tractor.  They come with a refigerator built into the cab.  Not bad for $750K 

[YellowHammer]

Does it come with a heated steering wheel?

[Southside]

Dosen't really need one, it has Auto Steer.  If your fields are long enough you will only need to touch the steering wheel about the time you want a sip of coffee so your hands will be warm anyway.  

[gspren]

I actually like the cooled seats in my truck on a hot day, use that more than the heated seats. The switches for the seat are kind of obvious but the control for the steering wheel required the "book" although I'm sure the younger crowd would look it up on their phone.

[firefighter ontheside]

Well, I managed to engage sport mode on the truck I've had for almost 4 years and didnt know it had.  I didn't notice anything different.  Maybe I wasn't driving sporty enough or maybe I never do.  

[WDH]

But I bet you felt Sporty  :D.

[terrifictimbersllc]

Yes the speed limit shows on the nav screen. No need to know what all the buttons do except the voice button. Just tell the truck what you want it to do.

Great! After all these years having my wife tell me how to drive now my truck is going to want to argue with me too! I hope there is a mute button for at least one of them.

My wife reads me sections of the owners manual as we drive along.  Solves the glasses problem too.  :laugh:

[YellowHammer]

I was doing some laughing yesterday, the kind that the Joker would do, just before blowing up Gotham.  We decided it was the day to program the garage door openers.  Ford uses "Homelink" and with a name like that, it must be easy.  Nope.

This was a non event on my old Chevy, I don't even remember doing it.  Three buttons over the dash, three different doors open.  Two garage and one security gate.  No big deal.  

This will be easy because we have a Ford "smart truck."  Right.  So we pull out the manual, and start following the steps, and pushing buttons, counting to Missisippi, nothing.  Lots of blinking lights but no doors respond.  So we try it again and again, and again.  Follow the manual step by step.  I do it.  Then Martha does it.  Nothing.  The lights are blinking, but it's not covered in the manual.  I'm starting to get aggravated, I've got other stuff to do.  So then we pull out the cell phone and check out the Tube, and there are lots of videos on how to program "HomeLink" which isn't good, because if it was easy there wouldn't be lots of videos.  So we wade through them, following them and finally the garage door opens and closes.  

So then the go to the other door and start over and get it programmed in record time.  Success!  We think.  

We get it done, and we celebrate by hitting one of the the buttons in the truck and BOTH doors open!  Then we hit the button and both doors close. :D :D Well crap, and we just both started laughing.  So I tried to clear the rolling code in the opener, climb up in the boat, stand on the console, try not to fall, hit the button for 7 seconds, the button starts flashing, and the code is cleared.  Yeah, sure.  I climb off the boat, hit the button in the truck, and both doors open, except now they are out of sequence, and as one door shuts the other door opens!  It's hilarious and I'm about to self destruct.  So I do the only rational thing, I say we are done, and just reach up and unhook the travel chain so now only one door opens and closes, even though both openers are operating.  Manual override.  Unhook the door.  

On to the next thing...the dreaded security gate.    

This is a high security, roaming code, total pain to program piece of equipment.  It was designed to be hacker proof.  We knew we were in for a fight, especially after the garage door thing.  So we pull the truck to the end of the driveway, about 1/4 mile away and start going through the section in the Ford manual titled "Programming a Gate."  Yes, they actually have a separate section for gate programing.  We follow the manual, step by step, nothing.  We do it again, nothing.  This is stupid.  So we throw the manual on the floor, and go back to the Tube.  No joy.  So now I'm doing it the manual way, and have pulled the front panel off the gate opener, and freeze the rolling codes temporary, and after "introducing" the gate and the truck to each other, as well as burning much of the afternoon, the gate swings open.  Hallelujah!!  We are done!!!

Then we hit the button to close the gate and watch it swing closed, and as soon as it closes, it automatically opens again.  What???. We repeat it.  We tap the button, the gate opens, then after a programmed delay, it closes as it should, but as soon as it does, it automatically opens again.  This is not the behavior we want on a security gate, one that just opens by itself.  We do it again.  Yep the gate closes, then opens again.  No alarms, no buzzer, it just decides to open.  I just start laughing.  Martha starts laughing, and even the dog starts laughing.  So I drive the truck back to the house, and we go in and take a think.  At this point I'm sure it's the stupid truck sending out double codes like the garage door openers, so we take out the Polaris and the gate does it again.  OK, so it's not the truck, now I'm disassembling the opener, (it looks like R2D2 ate a stick of dynamite) and low and behold, find a contact terminal that had corroded and come loose.  Then I found another.  So that's the problem, 2 bad terminals, and I go get my tools and have everything fixed in just a few minutes.  

Then I try to calculate the odds that a commercial security gate opener that has been working flawlessly for 10 maybe 15 years suddenly decided to malfunction the exact time we try to program the Ford truck remotes.  1 in 10 bazillion?  I don't know.  Creepy....again...

I think I'll start playing with Apple Car Play today, Ford says it's the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Yeah, sure it is...

I haven't even got to the "Sport Mode" thing yet....    

[Southside]

I just start laughing.  Martha starts laughing, and even the dog starts laughing.

At this point I expected you to say the truck started laughing so you shot the truck.  :D

[Old Greenhorn]

Hang on a sec: Did you get the gate working with the truck or not? What about the garage doors? There has to be an answer to this issue. Stuff like this makes me crazy. I dread having to adjust my truck clock for DST today, if I remember.
 I have been reading along here and laughing with you, but some of this stuff is wild. What next, backing up your truck settings on the cloud? Glad I only have basic stuff like bluetooth for the phone and not much else. If my truck wouldn't let me back up or move with a door open I would have to shoot it. As it is I have running diatribes with my GPS when it wants to send me on it's own chosen "better route'.
 Good luck, you are a braver man than I. ;D

[sawguy21]

:D I am electronically challenged too, I know just enough to be dangerous. My 05 Ram horn starts blaring and the engine quits if I shift into reverse with the drivers door open, at least I won't tear it off on a stump like my neighbor tried to do.
On another note I received notification that my third Covid shot is available and I can book online, the link is provided. OK I go there, it acknowledges my presence but won't let me enter the information. I tried twice and no joy so sit back have another sip of coffee and chill. Then it appeared like magic, I wasn't waiting long enough for Bill Gates' minions to respond. I want gratification and I want it NOW!

[gspren]

Back to the garage doors, depending on the age/brand door opener you use different method of linking with home link, I just went through this. On our older opener you park near the door and hold a remote near the home link button and hit both together until it links, on the newer openers you need to hit the "learn" button on the opener and then hit the home link within 30 seconds and hold till it flashes. If your opener is on the ceiling of a 16' tall building you will need help, preferably younger. Good luck, it took multiple tries for mine.

[SawyerTed]

My wife's Lincoln has Homelink.  We got the garage door opener replaced shortly after we got the car.  We went through 101 different "ways to program" the Homelink.  It never has worked.  She uses the remote that came with the garage door.  

We even had the garage door guy try it.  His response after a dozen attempts "I've always had trouble with Homelink"

My cell phone and my Chevrolet both work the door opener.

[newoodguy78]

Is the day and age of the controller on the visor gone forever? Don't have a garage currently but never had a problem with them

[Southside]

Never even heard of "Home link".  I do enjoy being a dinosaur.  

[YellowHammer]

I didn't even mess with them today, I needed a break. I got the gate working, but still have bth garage doors open when I hit the button.