Being a parent and adult children.......

[Roxie]

You asked our opinion. You say you want to know what we'd say and then get ticked off when we tell you. 

What I would have said, absolutely nothing. No advice from me unless they ask. When you stop being hateful and critical you'd be amazed at how often they do ask. 

I'm beginning to understand how your daughter feels.  This has all been said in concern for you and all your doing is twisting it. 

[sawguy21]

You have to accept that you no longer control your kids thinking and actions, they are adults and free to make their own decisions. I sense you have lost their respect because you insist on micromanaging them and trying to enforce your values which to them are no longer relevant. It sounds like they have some growing up to do but that is now out of your hands, they need to learn the hard way. Please understand I am not trying to be critical, just suggesting you need to let go, treat them with courtesy and respect and allow them to return it.

[Sedgehammer]

 Adults make decisions.   Giving advice and telling another adult how they should live their life are two different  things.
 I'm  looking at this from the Adult Child perspective.  You're trying to control and interfere based upon on your judgements of the situation.  That's my option.
 I don't have a daughter and you asked for the advice.

Yes they do, both directions. Thank you for opining on how you'd have handled it

You asked our opinion. You say you want to know what we'd say and then get ticked off when we tell you.

What I would have said, absolutely nothing. No advice from me unless they ask. When you stop being hateful and critical you'd be amazed at how often they do ask.

I'm beginning to understand how your daughter feels.  This has all been said in concern for you and all your doing is twisting it.

No, not ticked. Corely never gave what he wood've done
No twisting. I was asking what each wood've have done. Instead I got a lot of judgment from those that said judging is wrong
Thank you for what you wood've done. That's what I was looking for

You have to accept that you no longer control your kids thinking and actions, they are adults and free to make their own decisions. I sense you have lost their respect because you insist on micromanaging them and trying to enforce your values which to them are no longer relevant. It sounds like they have some growing up to do but that is now out of your hands, they need to learn the hard way. Please understand I am not trying to be critical, just suggesting you need to let go, treat them with courtesy and respect and allow them to return it.

No problem on your point of view. I don't micromanage. Leastwise I've never been accused of it. I pretty much leave them alone. If she hadn't come up to me and said something, I've never wood've said what I said. 3 of my older ones call me weekly or more asking my opine on certain things or just to say hi. Trying to button hole me over this is a little unfair, as it's only with my eldest daughter. But I do appreciate your inputs

[mike_belben]

This is one of those times when that old generic useless answer really does ring true and will work as good as any.  

"Just do the best you can."

If you want her in your life, forgive her outloud and apologize even if she was wrong and you werent.  I dont know what id have done since im not there yet with kids age wise, but i understand the disappointment. 

[Sedgehammer]

This is one of those times when that old generic useless answer really does ring true and will work as good as any.  

"Just do the best you can."

If you want her in your life, forgive her outloud and apologize even if she was wrong and you werent.  I dont know what id have done since im not there yet with kids age wise, but i understand the disappointment.

That goes against everything that's in me and everything that's wrong with the world. wrong is wrong. boy isn't girl, girl isn't boy. etc
thanks though

[snobdds]

I don't think you should die on this hill.  Abandon the trenches...

The more you try to make your kids the shadow of you, the more they push away.  It's been a parent/kid fact for generations.  

As long as they don't end up in jail, are responsible for their bills, and function in society in a responsible manner...you have to let them live their life on their terms, not yours. 

Again, don't you be the catalyst or the reason for your kids to detach...

[mike_belben]

This is one of those times when that old generic useless answer really does ring true and will work as good as any.  

"Just do the best you can."

If you want her in your life, forgive her outloud and apologize even if she was wrong and you werent.  I dont know what id have done since im not there yet with kids age wise, but i understand the disappointment.

That goes against everything that's in me and everything that's wrong with the world. wrong is wrong. boy isn't girl, girl isn't boy. etc
thanks though

oh i am 100,000% in agreement.  but god says its mikes job to forgive evil, and christs job to execute judgement on evil.  the outcome is always better when i stay in my appointed lane.

[Sedgehammer]

@snobdds agree w/ your statement. but, (isn't there always one) if my daughter will abandoned her family over such a simple statement that she brought up by the way, then i'm not sure i'm the one dying in the trenches

@mike_belben agreed

[beenthere]

Sedgehammer

What response should I have had in this situation ? 
I'll fill in more details after I get several opines.

You asked the Forum to be your analyst.. but you don't want to hear the answer. 
But your daughter is reacting to years gone by and she isn't the problem, IMO.

... the trench will continue to get deeper.. and now may be the time to get out for your own good.

[SawyerTed]

There is no moral high ground in withholding forgiveness.

I'll leave this here - Matthew 18: 21-22

[Sedgehammer]

Sedgehammer

What response should I have had in this situation ?
I'll fill in more details after I get several opines.

You asked the Forum to be your analyst.. but you don't want to hear the answer.
But your daughter is reacting to years gone by and she isn't the problem, IMO.

... the trench will continue to get deeper.. and now may be the time to get out for your own good.

I didn't ask anyone to judge me on what I did. I asked what each of you wood've done. I also never said I'll do what the majority of you said you'd have done

As to your analysis. There's background that's not been mentioned that wood prolly influence one's opine differently, but that's something I'm not going to get into. I will say though that she has had this off and on relationship with all her siblings also.

I should've added this sooner. I raised her and her 2 brothers since they were 4, 5 and 6. Their mother was and still is a bar fly. Practically lives there still. She encourages them to join her life.

I will not encourage that behavior, nor condone it, no matter the cost

I appreciate everyone's input

[Sedgehammer]

There is no moral high ground in withholding forgiveness.

I'll leave this here - Matthew 18: 21-22

Your right, but I'm not withholding it. If she called me today I'd not even mention it

[mike_belben]

Just do the best ya can sedge. 

[Bradm]

I went back and reread the first post again, and one thing that I think some here have missed is when Sedge's daughter said "Went to the bar ... no judgments", without Sedge having actually made a comment (according to the post as only Sedge and his daughter were present for the conversation).  These kinds of statements are a passive agressive method to attempt to shift where fault and blame lie - especially when one's conscience is heavy.  She knew exactly what she was saying, and why she was saying it, when she said it; I will even go so far as to assume that she knew what Sedge's response would be before she said it.

Sedge, had she not said "no judgements", would your reaction have been different?  It saddens me that your daughter appears to have taken the path that she has, but never stop praying and never give up hope that she will find her way back.

I'm an adult child of a parent, and I know that I would've said very much the same as Sedge and possibly more (especially when they say "no judgments"). 

[Sedgehammer]

I went back and reread the first post again, and one thing that I think some here have missed is when Sedge's daughter said "Went to the bar ... no judgments", without Sedge having actually made a comment (according to the post as only Sedge and his daughter were present for the conversation).  These kinds of statements are a passive agressive method to attempt to shift where fault and blame lie - especially when one's conscience is heavy.  She knew exactly what she was saying, and why she was saying it, when she said it; I will even go so far as to assume that she knew what Sedge's response would be before she said it.

Sedge, had she not said "no judgements", would your reaction have been different?  It saddens me that your daughter appears to have taken the path that she has, but never stop praying and never give up hope that she will find her way back.

I'm an adult child of a parent, and I know that I would've said very much the same as Sedge and possibly more (especially when they say "no judgments").

My wife, 2 little kids, my mother in law and my sister in law were all present. She walked up and I said "where were you, we didn't see you"? Wasn't snarky at all, as I had no idea where she was at that time. Just asked a simple question I had thought.

Definitely woodnt've have said what I said. She threw it in my face and your right, she knew where I'd be with that comment with all the family around. I raised her. If she hadn't said that, I prolly wood've said "hmm, that's nice" with it being snarky.

I don't control my adult kid's lives. Typically I don't say anything unless asked, although I have said something when I saw something very destructive.

[Percy]

Been following this thread for days......this song really hits home for me in situations such as this....hope it helps anyone who need it.


The Living Years (2005 Remaster) - YouTube

[Tacotodd]

Beautiful song. The biggest hit they had in my mind. Every time I hear it, reminds me of my father and our circumstances. It brings tears to my eyes because it's EXTREMELY similar!

[Gere Flewelling]

Thanks Percy! What an appropriate song to go with this thread.  :'(

[JJ]

Thanks Percy, I needed a reset in my perspective..
I have been also following this thread as am unhappily dealing with sibling about my dad's remains.

Wish she would come off her high horse, as what she plans leaves the majority of the family out including his widow.

        JJ