Top Ten Things to Tell Customers what NOT to Do With the Wood They Buy

[YellowHammer]

@WDH  and I were talking about humorous things our customers did with our wood that caused them problems later, and possible ways we could explain to them, in a light hearted but educational way, how they were ruining the wood, or how they were about to make a significant mistake that would haunt them later.

So I was going to take the top ten things that people say and put them on my webpage as humorous educational material.  These are things I have told customers so many times, I'm tired of repeating them, day after them. :D :D  I am sure you all have equally or more humorous things that I can also include.

Here's a few of mine I see all the time:

Don't buy wood in the middle of summer, stick it in your black minivan, and park it in the mall parking lot where the wood can heat up to just under combustion temperature and twist and warp into Fritos then tell me the wood was like that when you bought it.

Don't mistakenly lay wood in a fire ant pile, not notice that, then call and say the wood was a full of bugs.

Don't ask if its OK to use non sterilized wood for your wife's wardrobe closet.

Don't drive your pickup truck 200 miles in the rain to get to us, passing at least a half dozen Wal Marts that sell tarps and straps, buy a thousand dollars of high grade kiln dried wood from us and then put it in the open truck bed, in the rain, and then ask "It'll be OK if it gets wet, isn't it?"

Don't stack a bunch of wood through the console of your SUV, stacking the ends against the gearshift lever and then slam on the brakes.  

Don't buy some dead flat high value boards, spend all kinds of time and care edge jointing and gluing them to form a flat table, top them lay them on a concrete floor for a week to suck up moisture.  

Don't stack a bunch of wood on your SUV roof rack and expect it not collapse.

Don't buy kiln dried wood at 7% MC and store in it your underground basement where the air is so moist there are colonies of cave crickets and clumps of black mold.

Don't use a palm sander to grind a crater in your table top trying to sand that last little scratch.

Don't apply an epoxy finish on your work of art, at night, in the summer time, in a garage illuminated by  fluorescent lights.  Next morning all the bugs in the lights will have died from the fumes and done barrel rolls in the finish.

Don't apply three coats of sanding sealer and then wonder why you can't get the stain to soak into the wood.

Don't tell a sawmill owner to cut a board to a specific length, then complain that you told him to cut it to a number that was too short.

Don't put live edge black walnut slabs in your Tesla car with snow leopard white leather seats.

Don't run boards through you planer after they have been edge joined with pocket screws.

Don't bring your dog to a sawmill and ask if its OK to let it run around not leashed when the sawmill owner has been bitten by a dog that a customer let run around.

Don't light up a cigarette in a warehouse full of dried wood and not expect the owner to tell you to go outside.

[Southside]

Don't ask me to produce 18' white oak for you only to ask me to cut it in half when you arrive as it's too long for your short bed, quarter pounder, mall crawler, pickup.  

[moosehunter]

This past December I sawed out some red oak for a feller destined to be flooring in his master bedroom. I explained when we first talked that he would need to let it dry for a year or have it kiln dried. 
I reminded him when he madran appointment to get it cut.
I explained it again the day we sawed. 
His neighbor told me that about one month after I cut it this fellow was running it through his planner and installing it! 
 I haven't heard from him yet but it can't have come out well. 

mh

[Chuck White]

Don't ask for 10" boards from an 8" log! 

[DR Buck]

Don't ask for 10" boards from an 8" log!  

Had this one last week.  :D   
------------------------------------------------------------
Don't use wood for kitchen and bathroom countertops.    This is one I just don't understand .....   I'm not a fan of wood being used around water and I am always telling customers that I don't think its a good idea.   

[WDH]

Don't let your kids climb the Mount Everest slab pile and stand there and be oblivious while the little angels ravage the whole rattlesnake infested property. 

Don't take a 10', 2" thick, live edge slab and put in your $80,000 SUV with the slab laying on the dash (because you don't want it hanging out the back), put a rachet stap around the back end, and ratchet it into the vehicle, shattering your windshield.

Don't take your perfectly flat, kiln dried wood, put in the garage leaving it there for 6 months and wonder why it bowed. 

Don't bring your 2 year old and spend the whole time dealing with the little angel and not even be able to speak to me in more than 2 word-cutoff sentences.  The attention span of a two year old is two seconds, and the attention span of a parent dealing with a two year old is one second.

Don't ask me for a 10' long 12" wide maple board, then after I rummaged through a 2000 bf pile looking for one, then tell me you are going to cut it into 2" wide, 24" long strips for cabinet doors, but you thought it might be cheaper to just buy one board.

Don't ask me it I can take your green 10" x 10" x 10' long red oak beam that you just had cut for a mantle and put it into my kiln and dry it because you just have to have it done and ready in two weeks.

[YellowHammer]

Those are good one. Some I've not had happen to me, but I'm sure it's jus a matter of time.  

I had the big wide board thing a couple days ago.  So I just happened to have some 12 foot long, 8/4 red oak, heavy as lead, and when the customer saw those, he said "well, maybe I'll just buy some shorter ones, I'm just making jewelry boxes." 

 

[Andries]

So, a client calls for a log to be moved and milled.
The tree service had left a very nice 28" burr oak log in the back part of a near impossible to get to yard. Fences, garden, pool and statues = an obstacle course.
She used her not-to-be-trifled-with-tone and said: " I want you to build me a dining room table out of this log".
I was tempted to tell her what she could NOT do with the log. 
She had the wrong guy - she needed to talk to MagicMan.

[hopm]

Those are good one. Some I've not had happen to me, but I'm sure it's jus a matter of time.  

I had the big wide board thing a couple days ago.  So I just happened to have some 12 foot long, 8/4 red oak, heavy as lead, and when the customer saw those, he said "well, maybe I'll just buy some shorter ones, I'm just making jewelry boxes."

Had a guy buy a 2"x17"x9' spalted maple live edge slab. I always like to ask what they are going to use the wood for......this was going to make knife handles.

[hopm]

short bed, quarter pounder, mall crawler, pickup.  

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Awesome!!!!

[stanmillnc]

Had a call from a lady asking for a price on a wood slab, preferably black walnut. She tells me she wants a light colored wood. I tell her that "black" walnut is not light in color. She responds, "Well that's okay, I'm probably going to paint it." :

[btulloh]

Ebony and rosewood take paint better than walnut.

[SawyerTed]

Don't bring a 14' trailer pulled by a 2x4 half ton truck to haul a load of 6x6x16 and 2x8x16 and expect the rear axle of the truck to stay on the ground.  

Don't build a dining room table with the top attached to the the apron all the way around and expect the top not to split.  BTW the table top laid on the concrete floor for 10 days....duh

Don't tell me you have "equipment" to move 28" plus red oak logs when you are well equipped with a beautifully restored 8n Ford tractor.

Don't pile your newly acquired framing lumber in a cattle trailer and expect it to be straight when you build your lean-to shelter.

Don't call me when you had me provide stickers, but you decided to dead stack your red oak lumber anyway.  

Don't sell me white oak yard trees with metal in them and expect me to buy more.

Don't "help" me change blades......

Don't give me a lecture on economics and business when you think my price is too high.  I'm a busy man and every minute I listen to you drone out a repeat of your Econ 101 notes, I'm losing money.

[Don P]

I'm probably too old but there was a song that comes back to me now and again. "
Don't leave your records in the su-U-un
or they just won't play
 just wont play
  just won't play
no more

[scsmith42]

Don't call me from Washington State, get a price quote for lumber and tell me "you offer free shipping, right?"

Don't ask for a 16" wide quartersawn oak board and then tell me that you're cutting it into 2" wide strips.

Don't buy a 26" wide solid slab for your bathroom vanity from me, neglect to apply finish to the bottom side of the slab after I advised you to, and then blame me for "improper drying" when the slab cups up.

Don't ask me to quartersaw your 12" diameter log.

Don't ask me to kiln dry your green 12/4 oak slabs

Don't ask me for a 4" thick, 5' wide, 10' long slab for your dining room table (unless you can maneuver a forklift into your dining room)

Don't ask me what I think about your plan to put a black stain on your quartersawn oak tabletop.

Don't return lumber to me - ever - because you changed your mind.

Don't stop by to visit with my employees for an hour when they are supposed to be working.

Don't call me for 24' long 12" wide quartersawn white oak 8/4 lumber for your boat.  You boat guys want perfection and then bitch about the price.

[Cartwright]

Don't call about tomato stakes advertised for $1.50 each for 6' then tell me you need some 5' and another guy said he'd cut some for $.03 each!! 

[WDH]

Don't ask me for a 4" thick, 5' wide, 10' long slab for your dining room table (unless you can maneuver a forklift into your dining room).

:D :D :D :D

[scsmith42]

Don't ask me for a 4" thick, 5' wide, 10' long slab for your dining room table (unless you can maneuver a forklift into your dining room).

:D :D :D :D

I field 4" thick slab requests at least once a month.  The last person really argued with me until asked them how they were going to move a dining room table that weighed over 1000 lbs (it was over a crawl space too!)

[Cedarman]

Doing a preemptive strike can eliminate a lot of problems.  I make it a habit to ask the customer what they will be doing with the lumber they are thinking of buying.  I can usually save them some money if they can use shorts and narrows instead of wide and long.  I let them know that.
Many wood customers are ignorant of wood and how it behaves.  
A nice brochure with all the things in this thread given to new customers might be well received.
It puts the monkey on their back if they mistreat wood. 

[Old Greenhorn]

I'm probably too old but there was a song that comes back to me now and again. "
Don't leave your records in the su-U-un
or they just won't play
just wont play
 just won't play
no more

John Hartford. Great little tune. Sticks in my head too.

[Sixacresand]

Reminds me of the slogan on a insurance commercial on TV, "we know a thing or two because we seen a thing or two".  

[PA_Walnut]

• Don't ask me to help you dig to the bottom of the stack, seeking the "widest board possible", then tell me that you are gonna rip it into 1" strips for checker boards.

• Don't spend 2 hours in the curly maple pile seeking the "best figure possible" then ask me if I mind cutting it in half, since you only need 30".

• Don't rummage though and entire pallet of 16-20" 5/4 walnut that has zero sap and near zero knots, then tell me that you'd "NEVER pay more than $3/bf for walnut."

All good reasons to regale people with the fact that "they'd never even find your DNA out here."  :D ;D

Yes, all true stories...unfortunately.  :-\

[moodnacreek]

I could add a lot to list here but there are 2 that drove me nuts; Guy calls about once a year for dump truck side boards; 2x12x17' oak. Always comes to get them with a short bed pick up but you knew that. One year I have nothing longer than 14' plus trim and he says 14' 7" will work. Come to find out he really liked 17'+ because those cut offs where so handy in his shop!  When I first started people would order double the length they needed and cut them in half right in front of me. I learned to ask a lot of nosey questions when taking an order.

[Dave Shepard]

Charging length premiums helps sort those guys out. 

[YellowHammer]

I see a lot of the weight ignorance of lumber also.  It causes lots of issues.

I see more problems with furniture when customers use the Kreg screws than most other things.  I got a free bench seat in the showroom because a customer set it on his workbench, turned it upside down and forgot, and then put the screws, and their unsightly holes, from the top side by mistake.  Oops.

We have people who buy lots of wood, but when we go into the shop, they ask what the planer does.

They pick out a big pile of lumber, then ask how to straighten an edge, or they ask me too cut to an exact dimension and then I realize they don't actually own a table saw.  Or a chop saw.  Or...  They usually do have a palm sander, though.  And a Kreg Jig. :D :D :D

 

[sawguy21]

 :D :D This thread is hilarious.

[Bruno of NH]

I like the ones that call about rough sawn lumber and then ask me to do everything to it.
Plane,joint,cut to size and join for the same price.
I tell them I will build it for you for x price.
But I won't do what you want.
They don't like it :D

[Peter Drouin]

All good stuff here. What really pith me off is when I turn my back to help out another customer.
And the first one pulls wood from the sides of the stuck pack.
One time had a guy pull all of his lumber from the side. You can see the face of the lumber from the side.
I lost it. Old Pete came out. I don't think he will be back.
That and just making a mess of the pile like they do at the box store.
 
Back to the point. YH. My wood is green ½ green some dry. I tell them that it will shrink some.
99% of my customers know how to use it. The timber framers want it green.
The other 1% have no clue.

[caveman]

Customer/friend (female):  I need a 5"x16"x11' oak mantle.  
Me:  Okay, we can cut that.  It is going to take quite a while to dry.  When are you going to want to install it?
Customer:  Oh, we have time,We don't need to install it until sometime next week.

[Stephen1]

I agree this is a hilarious post with lots of smiles generated from us in the know.
But do remember guys these people are our customers and they generate lots of income for us. 
I had a customer message me that he is moving and would like to kiln dry his red oak that I sawed for him 2 years ago. Great! I will be up to pick it up for you.
Oh but he covered it with a tarp :( but in the end I will make some more money off him. 

[moodnacreek]

I like the ones that call about rough sawn lumber and then ask me to do everything to it.
Plane,joint,cut to size and join for the same price.
I tell them I will build it for you for x price.
But I won't do what you want.
They don't like it :D
I closed the door of the wood shop over 20 years ago because when a customer got in there the day was ruined.

[YellowHammer]

I agree this is a hilarious post with lots of smiles generated from us in the know.
But do remember guys these people are our customers and they generate lots of income for us.

Yup, that why I want all this input, then I can distill it down to an educational section in my webpage.  It's amazing how many people read webpages like magazines, and I have found it is an amazing way to transmit information to customers in an enjoyable way, without embarrassing them.  So instead of just being an online catalog, I have configured our webpage to be informative also.  
 
For example, I can't tell you how many times people would come in and say if they only had a new table saw, their projects would turn out better.  They complain they are stuck with their Dad's big 5 hp cast iron beast that won't cut a straight line.  So I tell them that they can't even buy saws of that quality these days, and all it needs is a new sawblade.  So they come back a month or two later and tell me how their Dad's old table saw cuts like new, and how exited they are to have a great piece of old iron up and running.  So I put a synopsis of that on my webpage and have had so many people thank me for it, and how these things are obvious to us, but have been ignored or forgotten.

The way I look at it, the better my customer's projects turn out with some free, non insulting but useful advice, they more successful they will be, and the more wood they buy. Also, if they think they may learn something, the more they go to my webapage, and hopefully learn something. 

[Ed_K]

 Y.H. that's a Dang great post 8).

[moodnacreek]

Yes they all seem to complain about there table saws. In most cases they are ripping with a cross cut or combo blade and don't know about rip saws. A thin kerf rip with the least amount of teeth makes a big difference in a weak table saw, well worth sending away for.

[WDH]

Yesterday.  Customer has a 50 minute drive to get home. Bought $125 worth of walnut. 



 


Guess that I better be like YellowHammer and spring for a roll of polyethylene plastic and some twine .

[Southside]

Naa - that's a good rope there Danny... :D

[Stoneyacrefarm]

I like that polka dot walnut you have down there Danny.  :D

[YellowHammer]

Yep, that's what I'm talking about.  Weatherman says "rain" so don't bring a tarp to pick up the most expensive wood in the shop with an open pickup truck.     :

[WDH]

And drive almost an hour in the rain :. 

[YellowHammer]

Tomorrow will be a soaker, rain all day.  Should be fun.  Lots of plastic and tape.  I may just buy a bunch of tarps and sell them.

Today, had a real nice fella come by and purchase $400 of wood and when the rope holding the wood was hand tightened, it just broke, obviously rotted. Oops. 

[Peter Drouin]

I look at the customer, If young like in the 20s I try to show/help them. If there old I figure they're too stupid to learn things. I don't wast my time.  : :D ;) 

[ellmoe]

How about "air up the tires on the trailer that has been sitting for two years , before you have the mill put 8,000 lbs. on it" . Sometimes , I think I'd make more giving the lumber away and just charging for air and  repair services. : 

[Cedarman]

Ellmoe found  another one for your list YH.  Make sure your tires are good and high.
I have to remember to get a box of red flags for those 16' boards sticking out the bed of an 8' PU.

[WDH]

Robert, now you need to buy a coil of rope. 

[YellowHammer]

Yes, it does seem I need to open up a hardware store.

It needs:
Rope
Ratchet Straps
Blue Tarps
Plastic Sheeting
Tape
Red Flags
Fuel  - Customer "Is there a gas station nearby?" :D Me - "Sure, you passed them all"
Drinks - Customer "Its really hot, I didn't bring anything to drink, is there a gas station nearby?"
Porta Potti - "Is there a gas station nearby?"  (I rented a Porta Potti for this a couple years ago)
Tweezers "I got a splinter"
Gloves "I got a splinter"
Band aids "I'm bleeding, I got a splinter"
A variety of sawblades "No, don't put a 180 tooth miter saw blade on your table saw"
A stack of tool catalogs "No, that tool is a piece of junk, save up your money and get one like this"
Different finishes "So what kind of paint do I put on the walnut?"
A bunch of Rite Leg bench seats
Vending machine - soft drinks and Moon Pies (This seems like a good idea, the proceeds might offset the Porta Potti rental fee)
Air hose for tires (good idea, been there done that)
Tire Plugging Tools "I have a flat, don't know why, the tires were good last time I used this trailer, a couple years ago"
Jumper Box with battery cables (I bought one of these last year, really handy)

[Bruno of NH]

YH
Good idea in selling tarps

[GRANITEstateMP]

YellowHammer,

The profit percentage from the "hardware" store that you've now talked yourself into building may be better than the lumber!  BUT, too many Moon Pie's may slow you and your employees down :-\

[Southside]

I had an employee on a bagging machine that we used to feed whoopie pies and Mountain Dew, that machine would have smoke rolling from the bearings!!!  Sugar has a great ROI in a production facility.   :D

[Peter Drouin]

Had a guy come in with a trailer, loaded him up and all the tires where flat.
Do you have some air? : : stupid_smiley
Well ya.  where over there. But I don't have enuff hose to reach. Then he wanted to drive the thing to the hose. I know and you all here know the tire will come off the bead if you move it.
I looked and found an old hoes, just made it.


Sent a customer home with lumber I cut for him. [his logs]
Be sure to stick it when you get home. [I cut him some sticking]
Two+ weeks he calls and has black, blue, green lumber.
Did you stick it? Ya, today.

[YellowHammer]

Well, today was a new one for me. I am still trying to metally process it.

I had a guy come in and ask of he could return some white, hard rock maple he bought a couple weeks ago because it just wouldn't stain to the dark color he wanted.  So the wood was obviously defectective.  Whaaa??

We said, well, it was "white, hard rock maple" and if you wanted to stain the wood dark, why didn't you buy a dark wood, instead of the whitest we have?

So he insisted he wanted to return the wood, and we said sure, as long as you haven't done anything to it, as we would have it re sold before he drove off.  It was good stuff.  

Then he says that he had already cut it all into little 6"x6" squares.   :D :D
We were astounded.  So nope, sorry.

[Southside]

Thursday afternoon a guy pulls in with a load of #3 common (at best), random length, random width, red oak he bought from another mill, lots of great character - carpenter ant tunnels, pith throughout it, beautiful holes where knots were - you get the image.  Can I make it into flooring for him, all one size, don't waste too much because he needs every last square inch.. ???  Oh - and can I have it ready for tomorrow, say by 5:00?  Dead stacked, green, been sitting out in the rain.... :  Where do I begin?

[clww]

So, did you tell him, "Sure thing! It'll be ready by noon"? :D :D

[Cedarman]

You might have said "If I could have it ready by tomorrow, I could be in Vegas being a star doing magic tricks"

[sawguy21]

If you were that good you wouldn't have to work for a living. :D That is a good one. Yellowhammer, people like that astound me, trouble is they reproduce and vote.

[YellowHammer]

Southside, I've had some similar to that and I always tell them I can have it ready now if they will swing by our burn pile, throw their junk into the flames, and then just back up to our building.  We will load him on the spot with our wood, and oh yeah, "Will that be cash or card?" :D

[PA_Walnut]

Then he says that he had already cut it all into little 6"x6" squares.   We were astounded.  So nope, sorry.

There is just no explaining crazy. What was he "staining" it with? Hard maple takes aniline dye really well. Apparently he needs to do more Google work! :D

[Brad_bb]

So he's cut it all up into what is now essentially firewood, and he wants his money back?  I'll bet he goes to the grocery store, buys food, goes home and eats it, then returns the packaging wanting a full refund.

[sawguy21]

An acquaintance, a retired building contractor, was telling us about a customer who wanted a particular expensive cedar for her kitchen cabinets. He went in some months after the house was finished to do a minor warranty repair, she had painted them Pepto-Bismo pink!!! He said he almost lost his lunch.