met a guy from Missouri on Friday

[mike_belben]

Took 9 years.  My wife is great on the right mix and intolerable off it. 

[Sedgehammer]

Yikes, you weren't being funny. My dad was the same way. Could be a royal pain in the backside and after several different things, he was completely different to be around. I think prosac was the one that worked. Trouble was every once in a while he figured he didn't need them and all heck wood break out till he was convinced life was better to be on them.

I commend you for sticking by her through that time. I know it wasn't easy. My buddy I was talking about, she rides him like Lance Armstong's bicycle in a tour de france.  

[mike_belben]

Well, medicine isnt a silver bullet unfortunately.. Its also taken 11 years of duking it out for us to learn how to deal with each other.  But its great now.  And i will say this.. Being a mister nice guy doormat never ever works.  Domineering, demanding, alpha type people [like your friends wife and mine] usually wont respect you unless they fear you a little too.  Im not saying violence or abuse but you gotta have a spine.  


If your buddy looked at her and said 'pack your crap and get out' shed probably fall in love with him.  If she doesnt respect him its because she doesnt fear him enforcing his own independant boundaries when she gets out of line.  Shes out of line because he lets her be that way all the time.  

Example:  "hunny get my keys and find my lipstick out of my purse in the car."

:doormat: "yes dear"

:guy who is done getting walked all over:  is your leg broken?  Ive got my own things to do, go get them yourself.  


Yes it will lead to fights that simply must be had in order to restore the balance.  Bottom line has to be "if im not happy im not staying with you, and im not happy with ABCD that you do to me.  Treat me better or sign the papers." 


She will shape up when he holds her to it.  

[Sedgehammer]

I agree. Even my wife says he needs to grow a spine, cuz he let's her run all over him and it just compounds itself. They have a little girl and until just recently the wife wouldn't allow her to go anywhere with him alone. Plus he has 2 older kids from a previous and she won't let him see them either.

I've talked to him about it and he says he just wants to get along, so I asked him how is it with getting along when he always capitulates......

[mike_belben]

Right this minute my wife is at a friends house doing damage control after another crisis. they have chronic marital explosions because the woman is a submissive [an annoying one FULL of issues] who needs a strong willed man to keep her inline, but she has a whispering, repressed wet noodle for a husband and they both brought tons of baggage and children to the mix.  Her first husband needed to be heard one night and she denied him.  He shot himself in front of her.  


Wet noodle doesnt stand up to her, she bosses him like a complete dawg and he takes takes takes takes and takes it some more until he cant bottle another drop.  Then when he needs to be heard, she says not now im tired.  He pulled a gun out last night to be heard because she is too stupid to hear his words but everyone hears a gun.  You cant have a relationship work when its always one wins one loses.  Each party must yield throughout the entire relationship and stand their ground as well if their partner is the steamrolling type.  When the balance skews too far for too long something snaps.  


Never block your partner from speaking.  Always try to hear what they are saying and feeling.  Never put words in their mouth.  Always say what you mean and mean what you say, and keep your hands to yourself in a moment of anger.  Say i need to take a lap around the yard to cool down, i will be right back.  And be quick to say i am sorry about blank.. I was wrong or i didnt mean it or i was hurt by this and just wanted to hurt you back.  It is much more productive to say "youre not going to call me blank anymore" than it is to fire back a return insult.  When they fivht breaks out, everyone always has a bigger cannon in reserve and they all end in divorce.  Stop reaching for your next bigger weapon.  In accidental, spontaneous combat with your spouse, RETREAT!  Go find your white flag as soon as you realize that youve been lured into and engaged in combat.  thermal runaway is real in resistors AND relationships. 


And that concludes my lecture on amish shed builders.