I have alot of JOKES about truck drivers, welders, carpenters, plumbers but I dont recall ever hearing one about sawyers????
Whats out thar fur Jokes???
Jeff is prolly send me to the wood shed fur this...lol
When did the environmentalist finally learn to accept forestry?
When he/she/it learned that most sawmills cut green lumber.
::)
Lyle, :D There is a section on here for jokes. Jeff may move this thread if a joke pops up. :)
Hold on, Poston, this is special. It's only for sawmill jokes. That narrows it down dramatically. The man had a good idea. ;D
Quote from: POSTONLT40HD on October 04, 2012, 08:48:55 AM
Lyle, :D There is a section on here for jokes. Jeff may move this thread if a joke pops up. :)
dont think that Jeff is all that hard core....get it?? hard core..lol
Not sure where to go with that one. . . .
Why do sawyers make terrible fishermen? Because they try to sharpen all their hooks at 9* and they only leave a third of them straight. When they finnaly get a fish to filet, it takes them a while to decide on the opening face. When they get a really good one, you catch them trying to figure out how to dog it on their mill. They keep telling you how many board feet of filets the fish will make. I just made those up, but it's a start right?
Manual mill sawyer at the coffee shop is asked "do you have a company truck?" MMS says " naw, I walk to work"
They invented an iq sensing robot. A man with an exceptionally high iq walks up to it an the robot begins talking about how awesome ez boardwalk saws are with their slanted head and whatnot. A man with an average iq walks in and the robot begins talking about how timberkings direct action hydraulics are pretty sweet. After that a man that failed his test to be a truck driver walked in an said "y'all I need a cupa coffee" , the robot said, when's your woodmizer gunna be running again buddy? Bwahahahaha!
Quote from: hackberry jake on October 04, 2012, 03:58:32 PM
They invented an iq sensing robot. A man with an exceptionally high iq walks up to it an the robot begins talking about how awesome ez boardwalk saws are with their slanted head and whatnot. A man with an average iq walks in and the robot begins talking about how timberkings direct action hydraulics are pretty sweet. After that a man that failed his test to be a truck driver walked in an said "y'all I need a cupa coffee" , the robot said, when's your woodmizer gunna be running again buddy? Bwahahahaha!
Which proves you don't have to be a genius to figure out who makes the best bandsaw mills.
Herb
I think I told one here about two weeks ago.
This guy shows up at the sawmill and says he needs a 4x2.
I asked him if he didn't mean a 2x4.
He say yes, that's right it's a 2x4.
I asked him how long did he want it.
He said he wanted it for a long time as he was building a barn... ;D
When I'm sawing a customer's log and we run into an ant's nest, and they start running all around all over, I ask the customer if he know how to tell which one is the queen?
They usually say no, how do you tell which one is the queen?
I usually say, she's the one wearing the crown..... ;D
I left my board stretcher back at home but it still don't work
You can search sawmill jokes on the internet. After you read some of them.....you will understand why you have never heard them. :D A whack of "corn".
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 04, 2012, 08:51:29 AM
Hold on, Poston, this is special. It's only for sawmill jokes. That narrows it down dramatically. The man had a good idea. ;D
O Ta Buck Wheat. :D My Bad. ;D
Q: whaddya call a vegetarian sawmiller?
A: a soy yer.
dear lord that was awful. smiley_speechless
Did you hear about the sawyer who was always hungry? He couldn't decide whether to get a new Cook or Baker.
Why did the sawyer sell his mill?
Cause he was board... ;D
A productive sawyer has a cant do attitude ::)
Why did the stack of lumber disappear after the sawyer had been cutting all week long?
He never took pictures so technically it never happened... :-X
What happened to the Yankee sawyer when he saw grits for the first time? Nothing cause he didn't know what they were used for... :)
My wife says I spend way too much time reading this forum...that's no joke and that's all I got at this early hour! 8)
Hear about the sawyer that won the lottery?
They asked him what he was going to do with the million dollars?
"Probably just keep sawing until the money runs out"
Actually I'm not sure if that's a joke, or just reality ;)
Ian
You know the difference between a large pizza and a sawyer?
A large pizza can feed a family of four!
Quote from: florida on October 05, 2012, 07:08:49 AM
You know the difference between a large pizza and a sawyer?
A large pizza can feed a family of four!
Thats a gooder!
:D :D :D
So true.
Why do sawyers work seven days a week?
Because that's all the days there are in a week.
:D ;D ??? ::) :o :(
Why did the sawyer fail algebra? Because he added 1/8 on to every number and the answers always said "board feet"
I might get sent to the woodshed for this one, but.
I was standing at the landing with the log truck driver when a very thin girl jogged down the street by us.
We both watched her run by.
He said: "she's a carpenter's dream."
I said: "what's that?"
He said: "flat as board."
Quote from: Jim_Rogers on October 05, 2012, 12:06:47 PM
I might get sent to the woodshed for this one, but.
I was standing at the landing with the log truck driver when a very thin girl jogged down the street by us.
We both watched her run by.
He said: "she's a carpenter's dream."
I said: "what's that?"
He said: "flat as board."
I could add more to that one but I best not, we would be splittin wood together...lol
Yes, there is a second part to the punch line but I think it's woodshed material....
so far its a toss up between #18 and 19.... they are funny.
How do you make a million dollars with a sawmill?
Start with 2 million!! :o
A Mexican, a Jamaican, and a sawyer walk into a bar. The Mexican says "I'll have a corona". The Jamaican says "I'll have a red stripe". The sawyer says "who would build a bar out of mdf? I would've used maple"
I had a hard time keepin the sawmill power unit steering straight today, dont know whats goin on, Im not as think as you drunk I am..lol
(https://forestryforum.com/gallery/albums/userpics/29162/001%7E2.JPG)
how can you tell you are sawing dogwood?
By the bark!
Quote from: dchiapin on October 05, 2012, 07:41:15 PM
how can you tell you are sawing dogwood?
By the bark!
:D
I will go out on a limb...and assume the bark on a dogwood tree is RUFF.
Quote from: caveman on October 05, 2012, 09:38:02 PM
I will go out on a limb...and assume the bark on a dogwood tree is RUFF.
You're barking up the right tree there.
Wife: Honey, can you stop thinking about sawmilling, long enough to eat your supper? Can't you just leave it all at the door when you come home?
Husband: What makes you think I'm thinking about sawmilling?
Wife: Only that you just slabbed and quarter-sawed your hot dog.
Those are great guys. I'm a part time sawyer and board. But then i am at my day job. phew we!!
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 06, 2012, 01:10:40 AM
Wife: Honey, can you stop thinking about sawmilling, long enough to eat your supper? Can't you just leave it all at the door when you come home?
Husband: What makes you think I'm thinking about sawmilling?
Wife: Only that you just slabbed and quarter-sawed your hot dog.
LOL Thats a gooder!
This may be more appropriate for the dendrology section. How do you tell a Pignut Hickory from a Mockernut Hickory?
luigi and guesseppi are going thru customs at ellis island
luigi is first to see customs
customs: what do you do for a living,
luigi: I ama a pilot
customs: great we need pilots here in the USA, please go thru
next up is gueseppi
customs: what do you do for a living
guesseppi: Ima runa a sawmill ina italy
customs: sorry we have to many sawmill operators here in the USA, access denied
guesseppi: butta you leta my brutha luigi in
customs: he said he was a pilot
guesseppi:yes he is a pilot, I cuta the wood, and luigi he pilot
Luigi he pilot. That cracked me up!
Quote from: Tom L on October 06, 2012, 03:16:55 PM
guesseppi:yes he is a pilot, I cuta the wood, and luigi he pilot
Hey, wait a minute there. I pilot AND cuta the wood.
– Loren
It's not a real joke, but the title of this one cracks me out every time.
https://forestryforum.com/board/index.php/topic,51806.0.html
I thought the boring customs thread was going to be about dull traditions.
Fooled ya! I probably got more people to click on it than if I had titled it "custom boring". :D
Dang! I cut this board three times and it's still to short. Gonna have to cut it again!
Question: What happened when the sawyer got to the center of the log?
Answer: He got pith on his blade! ;)
What do sawyers wear to protect their head?
Oh Gawd....I just can't wait for the answer to this one...
Quote from: swampbuggy on October 24, 2012, 01:13:54 AM
Oh Gawd....I just can't wait for the answer to this one...
I'm waiting for daylight so more people can wonder until I post. Maybe somebody will spot the hiding-in-plain-sight answer.
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 23, 2012, 11:39:41 PM
What do sawyers wear to protect their head?
A Paul Case mustache!
:D :D :D
Quote from: hackberry jake on October 24, 2012, 11:43:05 AM
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 23, 2012, 11:39:41 PM
What do sawyers wear to protect their head?
A Paul Case mustache!
Jake, I can tell you started celebrating early. :D
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday Jake!
Thanks fellars!
Quote from: hackberry jake on October 24, 2012, 11:43:05 AM
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 23, 2012, 11:39:41 PM
What do sawyers wear to protect their head?
A Paul Case mustache!
No, that's just to protect their mouth.
To protect their heads, sawyers wear-- PITH HELMETS!
Why did the saw blade have to be home by 10?
Because it had a kerf-ew.
:D :D :D :-[
What do you have when there's a birds-eye-maple beam on your sawmill?
"Eye cant"
::)
I'm with Poston on that one Okra... eh eh ???
Don't you know what a pith helmet is?
"Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
Quote from: WDH on October 24, 2012, 11:12:47 PM
"Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
Indeed, sir.
That would be the more expected environment for a pith helmet.
Quote from: swampbuggy on October 24, 2012, 10:47:02 PM
I'm with Poston on that one Okra... eh eh ???
I don't thing your the only one Swamp....... say_what say_what say_what say_what say_what
Im glad to see this thread doing well, its nice to have a thread just to goof off a little and blow a little steam...
PS just wondering when the good jokes are gonna come....lol ME BAD!
What happened when Benny Goodman tried to invent a new kind of portable sawmill?
The world just wasn't ready for a swing-band.
Mark Twain must of been a sawmiller cause he wrote the book...Tom Sawyer...Oh well, I tried ta make a funny!
Tom sawyer painted a fence-- he didn't make it!
You could turn that pith helmet upside down and use it for a pith pot.
Q. What is one of the stronger boards which can be cut out of an Apple log?
no one needs to wait and wonder....
A. An i-beam
Quote from: POSTONLT40HD on October 24, 2012, 09:27:06 PM
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 24, 2012, 09:16:21 PM
Quote from: hackberry jake on October 24, 2012, 11:43:05 AM
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 23, 2012, 11:39:41 PM
What do sawyers wear to protect their head?
A Paul Case mustache!
No, that's just to protect their mouth.
To protect their heads, sawyers wear-- PITH HELMETS!
say_what
Okra, I concur... It will either be this or my Harley Davidson cap.
(https://forestryforum.com/gallery/albums/userpics/28317/576375_4023197857868_1219121985_3879204_1199559688_n.jpg)
(https://forestryforum.com/gallery/albums/userpics/28317/560674_4023181817467_1219121985_3879186_2032151295_n.jpg)
Alan
"A family of four" lololol
Quote from: Jim_Rogers on October 05, 2012, 12:06:47 PM
I might get sent to the woodshed for this one, but.
I was standing at the landing with the log truck driver when a very thin girl jogged down the street by us.
We both watched her run by.
He said: "she's a carpenter's dream."
I said: "what's that?"
He said: "flat as board."
Wasn't it because she was a perfect "36" -- 12 12 12
Quote from: Solomon on October 25, 2012, 11:31:25 AM
You could turn that pith helmet upside down and use it for a pith pot.
I think it would LEAK...... ;D
You might be a sawyer if:
1.you hear the word holly and don't think about a woman
2. You hear the word maple and don't think about pancakes
3. You hear the word pitch and don't think about baseball
4. Every measurement you take is in quarter inches
5. Your wife washes her clothes with yours and ends up with sawdust in HER pockets.
Quote from: terrifictimbersllc on October 25, 2012, 01:25:49 PM
Q. What is one of the stronger boards which can be cut out of an Apple log?
no one needs to wait and wonder....
A. An i-beam
What do you call a big apple beam lying on your sawmill?
I-Cant
Quote from: hackberry jake on October 25, 2012, 07:44:47 PM
You might be a sawyer if:
5. Your wife washes her clothes with yours and ends up with sawdust in HER pockets.
That thars funny!
Of course Tom Sawyer was a sawmiller. He talked someone else into painting his fence.
Quote from: Okrafarmer on October 25, 2012, 09:02:40 AM
What happened when Benny Goodman tried to invent a new kind of portable sawmill?
The world just wasn't ready for a swing-band.
I guess either this went over everyone's head, or it just wasn't worthy of a comment. :-\
I got it and can appreciate it. Chuck
There was one in the Internet and fun stuff category I thought was funny. A man was involved in a saw milling accident. It sawed off the left side of his body. He's all right now
I thought that one was worth repeating as well. Too funny!!! PC
What's the sawmilling capital of Ohio?
Canton.
Any other sawmilling capitals we should know about?
Everyday or just about everyday the Boston radio station I listen to does an episode of "Men from Maine." Making fun of the backwards ways of the men from Maine.
Some of them involve the them working at a sawmill and the events that happen at the sawmill.
One of my favorites is when one guy calls the other guy about an accident at the sawmill that day.
Lem tells Ephus that one of the fellow working at the sawmill had his hand cut off by the saw.
Ephus asks what did they do.
Lem says they put his hand in a plastic bag put it on ice and took him to the hospital. The doctors there were able so sew it back on and he'll be fine.
Ephus says the miracles of modern medicine are amazing.
Next day, Lem calls Ephus again and tell him they had another accident at the sawmill.
Ephus asks what happen.
Lem said one of the guys fell down while walking past the saw and had his foot cut off.
And that they put it in a plastic bag, put it on ice, and took him to the hospital. The doctors there were able to sew it back on and he'll be fine.
Ephus says the miracles of modern medicine are amazing.
Third day, Lem calls Ephus again and tells him they had a third accident at the sawmill.
Ephus asks what happen.
Lem says the sawyer fell over and the saw cut his head off.
Ephus says that's terrible. And then he says, I know, I know, you guys put his head in a plastic bag, put it on ice and took him to the hospital. And the doctors there were able to sew his head back on and he'll be fine.
Lem says, NO, he's dead.
Ephus says well what happened?
Lem says you know you can't breath with a plastic bag over your head, he suffocated on the way to the hospital. ;D
Jim Rogers
Priceless... ;D ;D :D :D :D 8) 8) 8) 8)
One day Lem walks into the sawmill and there's Ephus hanging from a beam over the saw by the back of his knees.
Lem hollers up to Ephus, "what are you doing up there?"
Ephus hollers back, "look Lem; I'm a light bulb......!"
Lem tells him to come on down.
After Ephus comes down Lem escorts him out of the sawmill, to the parking lot.
And says, "you need to go home today....."
Ephus sees that Lem is walking out too, and asked: "where are you going?"
Lem says: "do you think I'm going to work in the dark?".....
Them Maine boys need some Grits....badly. It's brain food. musteat_1
Quote from: Magicman on November 04, 2012, 04:45:46 PM
Them Maine boys need some Grits....badly. It's brain food. musteat_1
The best ones find their way out of the maze eventually. . . . ::)
My favorite is Ephus had a state dairy inspector out to check his milkroom.Inspector said you need a cement floor,Ephis said, I showed him grabbed my shovel and dug through 8" of sawdust and manure and sure enough cement floor. Frank C.
I got paid on Friday, the first week of my new job as a sawyer. I went out with the boys and when I got home on Saturday, I had spent my entire paycheck. My wife nagged me about this for a couple of hours. Finally she said " How would you like it if you didn't see me for a few days?" I answered "Sounds ok to me."
I didn't see her Sunday, or Monday or Tuesday. Finally, on Wednesday the swelling started to go down and I saw her out of the corner of my eye.
I knew that was coming, did it do any permenent eye damage?
Not quite a joke, but it made me chuckle. I was watching the pictures on the home screen of the ff and one of them is of two men. One of the men is hugging a tree, and the other one has a puzzled look on his face holding what appears to be an adult beverage. I just thought that was funny. :D
Quote from: hackberry jake on November 05, 2012, 07:15:59 PM
Not quite a joke, but it made me chuckle. I was watching the pictures on the home screen of the ff and one of them is of two men. One of the men is hugging a tree, and the other one has a puzzled look on his face holding what appears to be an adult beverage. I just thought that was funny. :D
Was it anybody you recognized?
I should hate to speculate who it might be. . . .
I never see the home screen of the FF, since I have the FF bookmarked at the main forum page. ;)
I didnt recognize them, but then again most of you guys are just names in my head. Just put www.forestryforum.com in the browser window. Its the last pic I believe.
Is it a maple ??? :D.
Thanks Jake,I never noticed that before. Just click onto the last dote.
Quote from: Jim_Rogers on November 03, 2012, 05:51:53 PM
Everyday or just about everyday the Boston radio station I listen to does an episode of "Men from Maine." Making fun of the backwards ways of the men from Maine.
Some of them involve the them working at a sawmill and the events that happen at the sawmill.
One of my favorites is when one guy calls the other guy about an accident at the sawmill that day.
Lem tells Ephus that one of the fellow working at the sawmill had his hand cut off by the saw.
Ephus asks what did they do.
Lem says they put his hand in a plastic bag put it on ice and took him to the hospital. The doctors there were able so sew it back on and he'll be fine.
Ephus says the miracles of modern medicine are amazing.
Next day, Lem calls Ephus again and tell him they had another accident at the sawmill.
Ephus asks what happen.
Lem said one of the guys fell down while walking past the saw and had his foot cut off.
And that they put it in a plastic bag, put it on ice, and took him to the hospital. The doctors there were able to sew it back on and he'll be fine.
Ephus says the miracles of modern medicine are amazing.
Third day, Lem calls Ephus again and tells him they had a third accident at the sawmill.
Ephus asks what happen.
Lem says the sawyer fell over and the saw cut his head off.
Ephus says that's terrible. And then he says, I know, I know, you guys put his head in a plastic bag, put it on ice and took him to the hospital. And the doctors there were able to sew his head back on and he'll be fine.
Lem says, NO, he's dead.
Ephus says well what happened?
Lem says you know you can't breath with a plastic bag over your head, he suffocated on the way to the hospital. ;D
Jim Rogers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkH1atRYoSk
Quote from: caveman on October 06, 2012, 02:59:07 PM
This may be more appropriate for the dendrology section. How do you tell a Pignut Hickory from a Mockernut Hickory?
well...
How does a lumber grader change a light bulb???
He just stands there and holds it.....while the whole world revolves around him..
Most common phrase heard at a sawmill...."It'll plane out...."
Quote from: Percy on April 20, 2015, 11:36:37 PM
Most common phrase heard at a sawmill...."It'll plane out...."
I've
never said that before... smiley_big_grin3
Me neither. ::) ::)
That's why it's called rough lumber.
Try sticking that beam so the crown sags out.
These jokes are just as bad now as they were the first time I read them. They just don't make the cut.
DanG. I just read every one of them, :D
Bob
Quote from: LeeB on April 21, 2015, 05:52:10 AM
These jokes are just as bad now as they were the first time I read them. They just don't make the cut.
Oh ya....I see what you did there :)
Yeah, but it's true. The just don't stack up. ;D
Kinda related to sawing and it might rustle some feathers, but ya gotta have a sense of humor......
So here goes:
Strip mining prevents forest fires
He say's "I want an 8" X 12" beam, I cut a three boards off that Cant and it's still too thin."
busywoodliff, Is that like cancer cures smoking? You gotta have a sense of humor........
Percy, That's good!
A sawyer walks into a bar, steps up to a customer and slashes him with a large knife. The sawyer then takes a sawdust covered notebook out of his pocket and jots down his victim's name, age and time of death on a line below a bunch of other names. The sawyer then walks out of the bar and immediately hops aboard a train leaving town. The bartender runs after him and says, "what the heck was that all about?!" The sawyer silently opens up a sawdust covered dictionary and points to the listing for sawyer:
Sawyer (noun). Cuts, logs, and boards.
SORRY....that's more of a punctuation joke.
Natasha: "Boris, iz Moose you said you killed in previous episode?"
Boris: "Look, it's his show. Eef he wants to be hard to kill, let him."
Quote from: LeeB on April 21, 2015, 12:51:20 PM
Yeah, but it's true. The just don't stack up. ;D
Sure they will, just dont put the wavey ones on the bottom... ;D
Three fellows stood before the Pearly Gates about to enter into their eternal reward. Saint Peter met them at the gate and said, "we like to gather a little information about you before you enter. We are tracking the IQ's of all who enter heaven".
The first fellow stepped up and Saint Peter asked his IQ. The man responded, "160." "Wow", said Saint Peter, "what did you do?" The man replied, "I was a brain surgeon. I dedicated my life to the study of the brain and how to fix those folks who were suffering from injury and illness". Saint Peter said, "great, come on in."
The next fellow answered Saint Peter with, "180". "Wow", said Saint Peter, and what did you do?" The man said, "I was a nuclear physicist and spent my whole life working to provide clean and safe energy to a world in need of reliable power. "Great", said Saint Peter, "come on in."
The third fellow replied to Saint Peter's query with, "64." "Really", Saint Peter replied, "Did you saw much lumber?" ;D
I might resemble that last one. :D
The third fellow replied to Saint Peter's query with, "64." "Really", Saint Peter replied, "Did you saw much lumber?" ;D
Im afraid i would have to answer yes to that one :D :D :D
So, the more MBF you produce, the lower your IQ, right?
:D
Remember this is a family site. Jokes containing innuendo are certainly not appropriate.
Whats the difference between a lumber broker and a battery???
A battery has a positve side...
Kinda like what we use to say at the mill about our truck drivers. What's the difference between a twuck dwiva and a fuzzy puppy?
The fuzzy puppy will grow up and quite whining.
What did the sawyer say when someone asked him to mill a beam?
"Cant."
Sorta related to the samill business: What do you call a basement full of truck drivers?
A wine cellar.
I drove big trucks for a living for 6 years and I can say for a fact that this is true, at least some of the time!
Your wife thinks you're dreaming about dessert because in your sleep, you moan, "maple-cherry-walnut. . . . ."
Why do sawyers wear their pants inside their boots??
To show everyone they know how to tie their own boot laces.... :D
Because the BS is deep around here?