Funny for a slow Saturday

[Corley5]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they
had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers
 whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup
trucks
 in
an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last
15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 46 of the 50 states that the last words
of drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "Oh S**T!"
Only the states of Kentucky, North Carolina, Tennessee and West Virginia
were different, here over 89.3% of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"

[Corley5]

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is
research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

How'd a fool get the money in the first place?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

[Paul_H]

The baby hasn't been leting you sleep,has he ;) :D
Keep it up Corley,I'm still waiting for the rest of Tillaway's Cat Chronicles 8)

[Corley5]

 A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting
there,
> head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
>
> "What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
>
> "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ...  if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm
gonna
> have to close my shop."
>
> "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
>
> "How do you figure?" asked John.
>
> "Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie?  I went to milk her this
> morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face.  So I grabbed a
piece
> of rope and tied it up to the rafter.  Then, the nasty thing went and
kicked
> the bucket away!  So I tied her leg to the wall.  Then she kicked my stool
> right out from underneath me!
>
> But I was out of rope.  So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other
> leg to the other side of the stall.  Well wouldn't you just know it...my
darn
> pants fell down."
>
> "And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that
cow,
> I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

[Corley5]

>TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK
>
>LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
>LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
>MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
>DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
>MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
>FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
>farwood
>RAM: That thing what splits the farwood
>HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the wintertime
>PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
>WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
>SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
>BYTE: What them dang flies do
>CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
>MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
>MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
>DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
>LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
>KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
>SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
>MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
>MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
>MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
>ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
>RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya
>paid fer the rifle

[Corley5]

The Truth About College:
>
>College is a bunch of rooms where you sit for 2,000 hours or so and
>try to memorize things. The 2,000 hours are spread out over four
>years. You spend the rest of the time sleeping, partying, and trying
>to get dates.
>
>Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
>
>1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). 2. Things
>you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
>
>The latter are the things you learn in classes whose names end in
>-ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is you memorize
>these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget
>them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to
>stay in college for the rest of your life.
>
>After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
>choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
>forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
>advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
>and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics,
>physics, biology, chemistry, or geology because these subjects
>involve actual facts.
>
>If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander
>into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine
>integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate
>your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with
>exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.
>
>The same is true of chemistry: If you write in your exam book that
>carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk
>you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the
>other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about
>this.
>
>So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology,
>and sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what
>anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual
>facts.
>
>I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick
>overview of each:
>
>ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
>little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get
>good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book
>that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose
>you are studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say
>Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book
>refer to it as a big white whale roughly 11,000 times. So in your
>paper, you say Moby Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your
>professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked
>Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can
>regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you
>should major in English.
>
>PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding
>there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should
>major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
>
>PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
>Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an
>entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
>sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
>learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or
>dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in
>psychology.
>
>SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
>away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
>sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
>once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists
>want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time
>translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding
>code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do
>the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children
>cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological
>observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated
>isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between
>groundward tropism and lachrimatory behavior forms." If you can keep
>this up for 50 or 60 pages, you will get a large government grant.

[Corley5]

CUSTOMER SERVICE

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time.  I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the
customer care department.

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know
why they record these conversations)!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's a blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it.  Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great.  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again & find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power............a power failure?  Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when
you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f_ _ _ ing stupid to own a computer."

[Corley5]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter,
kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.  Instead of taking it back
to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: getting hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
5) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992)
in the chest.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00


 -- But you know the job was done right

[Frank_Pender]

Corley 5, your Sunday morning humor is "Far out".   Thanks.  I do believe, however youhave far too much time on your hands right now.  You have to have the boss provide you with a long Honey Do List, to make for more productive down time from Mill. ???

[Steve]

Lutheran Humor

OLE & LENA

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every
Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter
and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of
those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed
vhat a fine looking woman she was.javascript:wink()

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and
said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next
Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.  Well, Ole couldn't
believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on
Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in
New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena,
vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner.  Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said
Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas
feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas
driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck
out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.  Vell, Ole couldn't
believe his luck.javascript:grin() He did a U-turn right then and there across the
median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in
vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in
the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow.

"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.  He shook Lena and
she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat
are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time!"

[Corley5]

Way too much time on my hands and not enough to do here close to the house.  I'm way too efficient with laundry and dishes.  Yesterday I finished the yards spring cleaning.  I'm managed to stretch that out pretty good.  I was still home but out of the house anyway.  Then I decided to clean up e-mail folders and figured I should share before I deleted.  She gets her staples out Monday and hopefully I'll be able to roam about the farm a little more freely after that.  I'm off on paternity leave till June third and have some projects in mind once things get settled around here a little more.  Stay tuned for more funnies.  I'm not done with that folder yet.  I've got some really good ones but they're probably a little too risque for the Forum.  

[Corley5]

  A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING
 A FOOTBALL GAME  WHEN HIS  WIFE
 INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE
 LIGHT IN  THE  HALLWAY?
 IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW,"
 HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS
 ANGRILY; "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A GE LOGO
 PRINTED ON  MY  FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
 THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU  FIX
 THE FRIDGE  DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."
 TO  WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I  HAVE
 WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I
 DON'T  THINK SO."
 "FINE," SHE SAYS "THEN YOU COULD AT
  LEAST  FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT
 DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO  BREAK,"
 "I'M NOT A *DanG CARPENTER AND I DON'T
 WANT TO  FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES
 IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE  WRITTEN
 ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK
 SO. I'VE HAD  ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO
 THE BAR !!!"
 SO HE GOES TO  THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
 COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL
 GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE,
 AND DECIDES TO GO HOME  AND HELP OUT.
 AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
 THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE
 ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE  HALL LIGHT
 IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET
 A BEER, HE  NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS
 FIXED.
 'HONEY," HE ASKS,  "HOW'D ALL THIS GET
 FIXED?"
WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT  OUTSIDE
 AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE
 YOUNG MAN ASKED ME  WHAT WAS WRONG,
 AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE
 REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO
 WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR  BAKE A
 CAKE."
 HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID  YOU
 BAKE HIM?"
 SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU  SEE
 BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T  THINK SO!"

[Corley5]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the
> morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends,
> Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the
> mortician pulled back the sheet.
>
> Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
> So themortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said
> "Nope, it ain't Paddy. "
>
> The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in
> to identify the body.
>
> Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
> over" The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it
> ain't Paddy"
>
> The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
>
> Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a#$%^es."
>
> "What? He had two a@@#$%es?" said the mortician.
>
> "Yup, everyone knew he had two a@@#$%es. Every time we went into town,
> folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two a$$@#les...."

[Corley5]

A Trip To The Doctor's Office





 An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


 The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.



 Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."


HaHa - What were you thinking

[Corley5]

There were two old geezers
living in the backwoods of the Ozarks....
Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river,
and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sun-up,
Rufus and Clarence would go down to
their respective sides of the river
and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim....
er I'd swim this river and whup you good!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim...   er I'd swim this
river and whup you all over!!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers
comes along and build a bridge.
Still, every morning, every day
for another five years this yelling
across the river goes on, even with the bridge.
Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day.
"I cain't take no more!!
Ever day for 25 years
you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place,   "I'm gonna
across that thar bridge and
I'm gonna whup Clarence real good!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river,
along the riverbank, came to the bridge,
stepped up onto the bridge,
walked about halfway over the bridge,
looked up.....
TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING
BACK TO THE HOUSE,
SLAMMED THE DOOR,
BOLTED THE WINDOWS,
GRABBED THE SHOTGUN
AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING,
UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus,
" I went to the bridge......
I stepped up on the bridge.....
walked halfway over the bridge....
looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus,
breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus,
"I saw a sign that said
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches"
he ain't never looked that big
from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

[Corley5]

  After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough
since they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to
have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure
called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it was expensive. A less
costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in an empty beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
>    The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me. So he wanted a second opinion and he visited a
doctor in Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his
patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light
it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
to 10.
>    Since the second doctor told him to do exactly the same thing as the
first doctor, the Alabamian figured the procedure MUST work. So the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his
ear and began to count:"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...
>
>This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West
Virginia, and Arkansas.

[Corley5]

  KENNY THE ROOSTER
 This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants
 chicks.he
 goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a
> > > rooster
> > > that
> > > > he
> > > > >> > would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great
> > > rooster,
> > > > >>named
> > > > >> > Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem". Well,
> > > Kenny
> > > > the
> > > > >> > rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
> > > worth
> > > it.
> > > > So,
> > > > >>he
> > > > >> > buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in
> > > the
> > > > barnyard,
> > > > >> > first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace
> > > yourself
> > > now.
> > > > >> > You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me
> > > a lot
> > > of
> > > > >>money.
> > > > >> > Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
> > > time and
> > > > have
> > > > >> > some fun", the farmer said, with a chuckle.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the
> > > Hen
> > > house
> > > > and
> > > > >> > Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in
> > > the hen
> > > > >>house -
> > > > >> > three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure
> > > enough,
> > > > >>Kenny
> > > > >> > is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of
> > > geese,
> > > down
> > > > by
> > > > >>the
> > > > >> > lake.  Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and
> > > pheasants.
> > > > >>The
> > > > >> > farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster
> > > won't
> > > even
> > > > >>last
> > > > >> > 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer wakens the next morning only
> > > to
> > > find
> > > > >>Kenny
> > > > >> > on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard.   Buzzards
> > > are
> > > > circling
> > > > >> > overhead.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and
> > > expensive
> > > > animal,
> > > > >> > shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace
> > > yourself. I
> > > > tried
> > > > >>to
> > > > >> > get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the
> > > sky and
> > > > >>says,
> > > > >> > "Shhh, they're getting closer."

[DanG]

Kevin has to be out of town for a few months, to learn how to use a chainsaw. He has to find somewhere to board his horse, while he's gone.
He goes to see Farmer Pender about it. F. Pender says, "Sure, I can keep him for you. It'll cost $50 a week, and I keep the manure."  Kevin can't afford this, so he asks if Farmer Pender knows anyone who might do it cheaper. Farmer P. says, "You might try Farmer Bibbyman, down the road."

So, Kevin goes to see Farmer Bibbyman, who says, "I'll do it for $35 a week, and I keep the manure." This is still too much for someone who tows a Woodmizer on a dog sled, so he goes elsewhere.

He comes to Farmer Arkansawyer's place, and approaches the owner about his plight.  F. Arkey says, "Sure, I'll do it for $5 a month."  Kevin is delighted, and says, "I suppose you'll want to keep the manure?"
Farmer Arkansawyer says, "Kevin, for $5 a month, there ain't gonna be no manure!"

  ;D ;D

[Frank_Pender]

Golllllly!  DanG!  I have made it big time in a joke. 8) 8)

[Corley5]

AGING - THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50  

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.  
2.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.  
3.  No one expects you to run into a burning building.  
4.  People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"  
5.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.  
6.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.  
7.  Things you buy now won't wear out.  
8.  You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.  
9.  You can live without sex but not without glasses.  
10.  You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.  
11.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.  
12.  You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.  
13.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.  
14.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into  
    the room.  
15.  You sing along with elevator music.  
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.  
17.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.  
18.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national  
    weather service.  
19.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't  
remember them either.  
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.  
21.  You can't remember who sent you this list.  

[Frank_Pender]

Geeee, I recall when I was 21 like this list.  Speaking of being like this list.... :'( :'( :'(

[Corley5]

Redneck IQ Test

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle,
64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is  2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 9 inches.  How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field  rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns an Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during  the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how  long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

[DanG]

re: Question #4:  If the pulpwood guy's saw is only getting 2700 rpm from the Budweiser, he should switch to the 'shine from question #3. ;D

[Corley5]

DanG it!! That's a good point :D ;D 8)

[Tom]

I have two things to share. The first from one of my favorite talk radio hosts Neil Boortz.  Not being into plagiarism I feel a need to identify the source.  I'm sure Neil won't mind.  

When he told this story this morning I started laughing so hard I almost had to stop the truck.

It seems that there was an incident in Torrence Ca. recently where there was an argument in a park and someone got shot.  The outcome of the shooting wasn't discussed but the police, through interviews at the scene, identified suspects and were in the process of arresting them and taking them to jail.

The victims and/or friends fo victims apparently weren't satified with this arrangement and wanted Vigilante Justice.  The police wanted no part of it. An ugly situation began to form when the "group" began to yell and then to throw rocks  and form lines.  

The police, afraid of another riot, called for help and soon more police began to show up and swat teams began to unload from their trucks.

It just so happened that their was a parade in town and one of the exhibits was to be a couple of F-15's. Just as the Swat Team arrived the F-15's made their first low pass over the parade, which caused them to fly at tree top level over the park.  Everyone looked up at the noisy planes as they passed and things quited down a little.  

Then as the Swat Teams began their armored formation, carrying shields and wearing body armor and helmets, the F-15's made their second pass.

Neil said, "This time, it was like a room full of roaches when the lights are turned on".

I could hardly see through the tears and if the ditches hadn't been so deep, would have parked the truck.

Timing means so much. :D