Humor for Lexophiles

[Texas Ranger]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES  (LOVERS OF WORDS):
============ ========= ========= ========= ====

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.....and then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off? 
Well!!! He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles,  U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone;  it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow;  fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes in   verse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road:  poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Dodgy Loner]

Groan. :

Oh, who am I kidding?  I love it! :D :D :D

[Dan_Shade]

you foresters are a strange bunch....  :D

[WDH]

That is why I ain't posting in this thread....... :

[Texas Ranger]

OK, for the bible folks.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless


Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.


Q Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.


Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.


Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

And as Porky says:  "Thththtat's all, fffffolks.

[Dan_Shade]

somebody please take his keyboard away!!!!

[Texas Ranger]

What?  You want more? 8)

WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: Wh at's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work,but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite one
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!

[Gary_C]

Is there a woodshed for posts like this?    :

Maybe I can help it along.

There was a young gal from St. Paul,
who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
There came a great fire,
which burned her attire,
front page, sports section, and all.

Or,

There was an old hermit named Dave,

No better not finish that one.  :D

[Texas Ranger]

And you don't want to go to Nantucket. :

[thurlow]

T R........................I didn't have the nerve to post even that much of "that" limerick.

[sawguy21]

There was a young man from Winger
His little car was a Singer
There was room for his $ss
And a gallon of g$s
And he lost his in the wringer.

[Texas Ranger]

I remember that one as Austin and Boston.